mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Religion and such stuff like this. First of all, everyone should know that it's raining today, a rare event in the summer. When I woke up to view this miraculous sight, I almost cried with delight. I love rain, maybe too much. I am Shirly Manson, because I too am only happy when it rains. I'll never understand why I read about all these people not liking the rain. It's raining! Be happy! It could be really hot with no rain! Burp. The past 3 days, I've been working out hardcore. I usually just go to the gym for 30 minutes and walk at night, but now I'm there for an hour and sweat like a damn pig. Good lord, do I stink when I come out of the gym. Stand clear! Okay, so religion. Here is my spiel: I've never really been a religous person, especially in the last couple of years, because I like to think of myself as a journalist. Someone who questions things and needs to know everything before committing. The only time I've had religion in my life was when I'd made the yearly trek to Sky Ranch every summer for 2 weeks, where I'd learn about the bible and sing songs praising God. I'd learn a lot and then forget it all two weeks after I'd get home. When I was 16, I started going church on a regular basis. I made some friends and everything, but it still never really hurt me. Plus, the irony of the impure activities I was doing the night before and then coming to church a few hours later would make me not take it very seriously. Now, fast forward to the beginning of the fall 2000 semester. I was living in the dorm again, after living in an apartment for a year, and I was looking forward to meeting my new roommate. When she came in, she did not look like someone I'd get a long with. She looked a lot older, actually. "So.. how old are you?" I asked carefully. "I'm 37.. what about you?" She asked. My heart sank. I said, "Oh." That was our wonderful introduction. I could not believe how unluck I was to have such an old roommate. How did this happen? She was 17 years older than me! We eventually got to talking, as roommates inevitably do, and I learned she was a devout christian. I had been thinking lately that maybe I'd start going to church, so we went to a church together and I joined one of the youth groups on a whim. Why did I want to start going to church? Because I wanted to make friends. I admit, that's not the best of intentions, as Travis Tritt would say. (Sorry, country music haters.)But I was basically desperate. I had spent the last 2 years of school with absolutly no friends. No one to call me to see if I wanted to get something to eat. No one to hang out with on Thursday nights. I just had my boyfriend, and he was getting tired of me depending on him for all of my entertainment. But once I started going to the youth group every week, I was amazed. There was so much to learn, and so much to see, and more than that, they seemed so happy. I wanted to be happy, too. It was hard for me. I thought christianity was somehow uncool, and people would lose respect for me if they knew I was a Christian. I had a hard time beliving everything I was hearing, and I questioned it. My point here is, I don't know what I am. I don't know what I want to be. What I know is that I get chills when I'm at church or when I'm attending a church get together and I hear praise songs. I don't want to get the chills, and I want to ignore them, but it's impossible. When I'm in traffic and tell someone to get the fuck out of the way, I think to myself, "God wouldn't appreciate me saying that." I can't believe I'm thinking stuff like that! I'm trying to make this feeling go away, because the thought of something so powerful is just sometimes too much to bear. What am I afraid of? I highly doubt that God approves of me writing porn and distributing it on the internet. It has been requested by more than one person that I write more porn. That's not something Jesus would approve of, I think. I think, if I really devoted myself to God and Christianity, then I'd have to break up with my boyfriend because he will never be a christian. Could I drink margaritas occasionaly, still? Should I throw my vibrator away? I did that once, after a youth group meeting. I just threw my vibrator and about 10 movies out into the dumpster. 2 months later, I bought another vibrator because I missed the sensations. I'm just afraid of what I'll have to give up, and I know that's just the most selfish thing ever. I'm a selfish person, and that's my downfall. I went to a bible study on Thursday and I brought this up to the people there. They said that was normal, and that God has a rope around me and he's trying to pull me towards him, and it's not going to be easy to get out of the rope. I don't know if I want the rope to be shorter or longer, and it's hard, but at least I know that I have options. It's just a scary thing, you know? Especially when I tell my non-christian friends about what I'm doing, and they ask if I'm crazy and why the hell I'm doing that. I sometimes wonder that too, but what can I say? I feel it. I feel it when I don't want to, and when I do. And now I have friends, who come by and call me and care about me and invite me to their weddings. It's all very confusing and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. On another note entirely, a new arena opened in Dallas that I voted against 3 years ago. So far, I've voted for the new arena and for Ralph Nadar. I don't exactly have the best track record in this voting thing. 5:10 p.m. - 2001-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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