mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Woah.. a tirade of lots of stuff that is probably depressing. You know, after being someone with 5 years, you get to know someone, and their habits, and their quirks. You know what they're thinking, and you know what your reaction to that will be. But still, the words "We need to talk" will still strike fear in my heart and mind. It's not as dramatic as it sounds, but BB and I did have a lengthy conversation today on IM. He said that he might have to take a month or two to chill out, but it doesn't have anything to do with me. It has to do with the fact that 3 or 4 of his friends are either moving away or just being complete and total freaks. (The FGG is doing some kind of thing that he says will keep him locked in his house for a month.. I don't know. He's a freak.) It has to do with the fact his football team is kinda sucking it up right now and probably won't make it to the playoffs, and since he pretty much pins his happiness on them going to the playoffs every year, this will probably send him into his winter depression a little earlier than usual. He said that he may not do anything about it, but he wanted to give me a heads up. He wants to work out his problems and he knows if I was around, he'd just take it out on me. And I appreciated that, because shit happens sometimes. And over the years, I would have taken this news differently. But now, I'm almost.. apathetic. And I know that sometimes, we can't solve each other's problems, and sometimes we just have to chill out and think about things. I just want him to feel better about life in general, so if this is what he needs, he's welcome to it. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. And I'm kinda going through an identity crisis of my own. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I'm looking forward to getting out of this dorm and finally getting into the "real" world, but I'm worried that the real world might be too real for me. As I was telling Ms. Molly today, I have pretty much had things handed to me since I've been in college. I've been allowed way too much freedom. I've gone on road trips to New Orleans in the middle of February. I've borrowed tons of money from my mom even though I get everything paid for by my dad. I've probably spent my whole weekend here and not in Dallas or Plano with BB about 3 times in the past 4 years. I get out of here as fast as I can. I believe the rules don't apply to me. Friends? Who needs friends when I have BB? A job? Who needs a job when I'm mooching off my dad? Good grades? Who needs good grades when I can do reviews and read The Dirt in my math class when I just found out I got a 48 on my test? It's just pathetic. And BB is going through his own time and I'm going through my own time, and it doesn't seem like we can help each other. Sometimes I wish we could help each other. But he is in his own world. He has like a 170 IQ and things that make sense to him don't make much sense to the rest of the world. When I saw Good Will Hunting with him, I was a little obsessed, because Matt Damon says something about wanting to be with someone who would challenge him. I know that's what BB wants, and I've been spending the past 5 years trying to think of ways to be that person for him, the one who can provide for him everything he needs - sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. But I can't be all 3, at least right now, and he knows that. That's why he hasn't asked me to marry him, I know that, and he knows that. The other day in one of my classes, one of the newspaper people was talking about her wedding, and I just kinda blurted out, "I want to get married! It's been 5 years, I mean, come on! It's time!" And they all agreed with me and we all talked about that. And I felt bad about saying that, because I know perfectly well why we haven't gotten engaged yet. I'm lagging behind. I'm walking behind him with my security blanket trailing along the ground, sucking my thumb, looking for someone to solve all my problems for me. He's tried. He tried by being an asshole, he tried by being nice, but I still can't get my shit together. I still lag through life, looking for the easy way of doing things, waiting for someone to give me my next assignment. It's a crappy way to live, it really is. And I think BB feels the same way.. we're both kind of crapping our way through life, although he's doing it in a better way, by actually having a job and actually making good grades. I'm tired of it. I'm growing apathetic. And that's just no way to be. And I still have so much guilt about some stuff. And I realize when I talk about my life with people that they don't know what I'm talking about. They don't know where I'm coming from. And they probably think I'm the biggest crackwhore on the planet because I've had everything handed to me and I don't know what real life is like. And it's true. I don't. I'm going to have some rude awakenings coming up, and I'm looking forward to that. Maybe it'll break me out of this funk that I've been in for so long. Maybe it'll help me relate more to humans, that sure would be nice. I want to make something happen. I want to be fucking proud of myself, for once. And I don't know how to do that. It's a little depressing so I just don't think about it, causing me to sink into the world I've made for myself, and there you go. My own little fabricated world, made for me and only me, where I'm stuck until I can get the nuts to bust out of here. I realize that I just rambled my way through this whole entry, but I had to get this stuff out. It's what I'm feeling. My mind is just a big giant fishbowl right now, and I just have to get out of here. 5:31 p.m. - October 24, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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