mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm fat. Well, tonight, I discovered the greatness of some chick named Eva Cassidy. I was sitting in Barnes and Noble, just reading all sorts of random things, and listening to the song "Fields of Gold." I know it's originally by Sting or what not, but this version of it was just total greatness. It also made me want to stick a fork in my eye because it was so depressing. So of course I come home and download it and then buy the CD on Amazon.com. I don't do this often. The last time I did was with Dido, like a year ago or something. And that was only when I heard "Stan" by Eminem. I don't really get into new music very much, but when I do, I must stimulate myself immediately! Yes sirree. Hannibal is now 2 days late. Suck my ass, Blockbuster. I went to my Computer Applications Lab today, and it was kinda cool. Only me and some other guy were there so we got to learn up close and personal with the teacher. She has this awesome accent. We finally broke down and asked her where she was from. It's Chicago, folks. That accent is so cute. Anyway, I learned how to make a newsletter in Microsoft Office Suite on a Mac. I hate Macs. They are confusing and they suck my balls. But usually stuff for newspapers and what have you are done on Macs, so what can ya do. She didn't care what we put in it, so I just put a big picture of Axl with a caption that said "Hi, I'm Axl. I'm going to marry Elizabeth someday, I just don't know it yet." It should be interesting to see what I got on that. I sometimes can't decide if I should have majored in English instead of Journalism. They both have thier pros and cons. With a newspaper, there's a set way of writing things, in a certain format, in a certain style, and you can't really deviate from that. In a way, that's liberating, because you have to find creative ways to get around it, and also because if you know what you have to write and how to write it, it should be easier to write. I'm discovering that creative writing isn't as easy as I always thought it was. It's hard, really. I write good porn, but you don't have to have a lot of story there. Just characters getting it on, really. It's just interesting to know. Today in my journalism class I kinda wished that I had more freedom to explore the male gender in a college atmosphere. BB is great and all that shit, but these guys, there's just something about them that he doesn't have. He's a college student and everything, but not the traditional type. He doesn't come up here and go to school all day. These guys do, and they're cute, and they're witty, and stuff like that. I almost feel like I'm missing out on something. Well, I do feel like I'm missing out on something. I've never really been the social type, but especially not in college. They've had some barbecues at my dorm this year that I didn't go to because I don't make friends that way. There's lots of events that I just don't go to because I'm afraid to talk to people. I know someday I'm going to look back on college and think that I totally wasted my time. I hate that. I don't know what to do about it. To be honest, I really feel like a failure right now. I'm 60 pounds overweight and I can't seem to stop eating and I can't even get my ass up to work out. It's so frustrating to know that I could be doing something about it, yet I don't. Yesterday I literally sat in class and looked at all the females, and in my mind I was saying, "I'm fatter than her, I'm fatter than her, I'm fatter than her, she's a little fatter than me, oh wow, I'll never ever look like that, blah blah blah." I've always felt like shit about this, but the past few days have been bad. My mom showed me a picture from when I was 16 and just really at the peak of cuteness. I had long hair, I wore cool clothes, I was pretty skinny. And now I'm not, and I can't get over it, and I feel sorry for myself, and it's just pathetic. I'm going to join a new group on campus, sorta like overeaters anonymous. I don't know if that'll help, but something has to. I really feel like this weight is holding me back. I feel like if I lose weight, I could fix all my other problems to. So why can't I do it? Fuck, I don't know. It just makes my brain want to explode when I think about it. It would be so nice to walk into the house on Thanksgiving and have everyone say, "Wow, you look great! You've lost so much weight!" Like I've wanted for the past 3 years. I'm going to shut up now. If I keep typing, I'm just going to talk about it forever, and no one wants to read a fat chick who feels sorry for herself. Goodnight. 12:29 a.m. - September 06, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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