mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do I possibly go about forgiving him? This is a long and rambly entry about a stupid boy. I know that at some point in my life, I'll have to forgive Psycho Boy. I'll have to say, "You know, what he did to me was bad, and he really screwed me over, but that was a long time ago, and you've both moved on, and it's time to forget it." But I can't. I just can't. It was 5 years ago, and I still can't let go. Why is this? All my other boyfriends (well, aside from Angel Boy, of course) are really just a fleeting memory. I may think of them from time to time but I don't have visions of going to their house and kicking them in the nuts. What's really starting to occur to me is this: He doesn't care anymore. He probably never thinks about it, except to think about that chick that took his virginity. (and sometimes I still have doubts about that.) If I were to see him today and was violent towards him, or if I make bitchy comments like, "still abusing your girlfriends?" he would just be confused. He would wonder why I haven't been able to move on, and he would wonder what the big deal was. The statute of limitiations is probably running out on bitterness towards abusive boyfriends. But it was serious, to me. He may not have put me in the hospital or anything, but he gave me bruises. He learned to give me bruises in places that didn't show to the outside world, like my breast or my thigh. He would say the most mean and horrible things to me. He would just outright lie to me to see how I'd react. He cut me off from my friends and family, turning me against them, and that hurt almost more than anything else. He made me feel so goddamn weak! And I still feel that way! And I can't stand that! Today BB sent me off to do some secret shopping in Psycho Boy's part of town, Pleasant Grove. Which is neither pleasant nor a Grove, might I add. And I hated every second of being over there. I was on the road that he lives off of. A road that I once got in an accident on, the accident that totaled my Volkswagon. I hated this area, I felt so dirty in this area. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. I'd see the Taco Bell and think how we used to go there everyday during the summer, and all these other fucking places, and it drives me crazy. Why am I still bothered by him? Why can't I be strong enough to forget about the things he did to me? Even stupid places like the hospital I went to today reminded me of him. I went there today to get blood taken, but it reminded me of when I went to get my knee surgery there and he was there with me. I don't want to think of the hospital like that. It was the hospital where I was born, the hospital where I had life changing eye surgery, and I'd rather remember things like that than anything about him. I don't know if I'm really getting my point across here.. I just know that I have to forgive him, and more importantly, forgive myself. Again, if I saw him today or talked to him today, he would be confused or something if I had any kind of animosity towards him. There was a time, about a year or two after we broke up, that we talked somewhat often and we even saw each other a time or two, and we both thought that I had moved on. Not that I really care what he thinks, or maybe I do. It's a long story, I guess. He broke me. I really think that this situation is holding me back somehow, and I also think that's a cop out. He doesn't have to be the reason why I'm so lazy and motivationless and just sometimes sooo fucking stupid. But I think I had a lot going for me before I met him, and I'll never forgive him for taking that away. I just don't know how to move on. There's these weird signs that pop up that make me think I'm crazy.. like the only time Where Have all the Cowboys Gone by Paula Cole or I'm Not an Addict by K's Choice come on is when I have to go to his area of town, and those are two songs that I really liked when we were dating. I dunno. I just think about him all the time.. not in the romantic "what could have been" kind of way, but the "why did I let him do that to me" kinda way. The "why didn't I just kick him in the balls when I had the chance?" or something. I haven't talked to him almost 2 years. I remember our last conversation was about me going to Houston for Wrestlemania with BB. He was always fascinated that I could be in a relationship with someone for so long. Anyway. I was 17 when we started dating. I was a junior in high school. I had a good amount of friends, my grades sucked but I was working on them, I had a good dating prospect in Dorkus Boy, someone who would have probably treated me better than I deserved, and I threw it all away from some white trash boy with red hair and an earring who took advantage of me in every way he possibly could. In the beginning, he gave me what I thought I wanted, which was something that I mistook for unrequited love. No one had ever felt that way about me before, and he knew it, and the second we broke up he went out and found another girl exactly like me, only 2 years younger, and did the same thing to her. Before I met him, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't have sex with someone until I had known him for at least 3 months. I told Psycho Boy this, and he was like, "What, you don't love me enough to do this for me?" It took about a month and a half, but there we were, and my virginity was gone, forgotten. I do blame myself for this. I let him do it, I didn't get out until I had sustained all the emotional damage I could take, and now I'm not strong enough to move on. I just want to know why. Why did I let this happen, and why do I still let it affect me so much? Why is there humans on this earth like him? Why did I have to give him so much? Bah. 5:56 p.m. - July 12, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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