mymichele's Diaryland Diary
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I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
Do not see Punch Drunk Love. Worst.Movie.Ever. Seriously.. Adam Sandler sucked. His voice is really annoying. I'm sorry, but it's true, my friend.
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So today I'm going to tell you about the farm. Aren't you excited? I know I am.
My dad has always wanted himself a farm, with horses and a barn and donkeys and all kinds of shiznit. I remember when I was 13, going in the big suburban with my mom and dad, looking all over West and East Texas for the perfect place to have himself a farm.
I don't think my mom ever wanted a farm. She likes horses and everything, but yeah.. I don't think she wanted it.
We looked for this farm for a really long time, and finally my dad found the perfect place, when I was 17. It's in Wills Point, about an hour and a half from Dallas, in East Texas. At first I was like.. ehhh. It's a farm. There's some horses. Yay.
But as the house was built and the lake was filled and everything started coming together, I really started to appreciate it. It's a place for people to come together and have family time, to eat together and to play together and just to have some place to get away from the city.
It was at the farm where I decided to make Thanksgiving my favorite holiday. I like Thanksgiving at the farm because all my relatives are there (except my mom, which really sucks, but that's what happens when you are in the dysfunctional word in divorce.) and you don't have to impress anyone, there's no gifts involved, and you can just have a good time.
Ooooh.. sorry, I was just distracted by a commercial for 8 Mile. I can't wait for that friggin movie to come out. Ooohh.
Anyway, we enjoyed 2 Thanksgivings and 2 Christmases there when in May of 2001, there was a big lightening storm and yeah, the house burned down. Burned to the ground. My dad's military medals were in there. A lot of pictures we've had around forever. Christmas ornaments that my grandmother made. The bed that was my grandmother's that I was eventually going to inherit. My dad took almost everything that meant anything to him and put it in that house, and it's all gone.
To me, the farm wasn't about the house. It was about getting away and having some peaceful time with family. It was about hanging out with all the puppy dogs. It was about an atmosphere. But to my dad, it was a house, it was his possessions, it was his money, and it was his dream.
This just about destroyed him. My mom was actually on her honeymoon when this happened, which didn't make my dad too happy about life in general. And he didn't really do anything about it for a while. Just.. let it sit there. But then he slowly got back into it, and with the insurance money from the house (which was weird, because just a month or two before the fire, BB's friend came to the house to tape something for a project in school. He taped everything in the house, which really helped for insurance purposes.) he replaced everything that was in there before. Couches, beds, kitchen stuff, everything.
Today was the first time I saw it in a while, and it's almost totally redone. It's awesome, really. I have my own room to myself with the bed I had growing up. I lost my virginity in that bed, people!
It just makes me happy, because this farm makes a lot of people happy. It brings people together in a spirit of fun and casualness, and there's not a lot of places that can do that. I dig it. And you should too.
And also, I didn't mind the fact that I saw my relatives from Wisconsin and they gave me my birthday money. I don't mind that at all, people.
It's kinda funny, though. I don't think my dad's girlfriend (the BL, if you will) really knows how hardcore my dad is about the farm. She has helped decorate it and all that stuff, but she wasn't around before. I don't think she truly understands how much time he spends there. She will though. Oh yes, she will.
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So yesterday, some bad shit went down. Like.. bad stuff.
I don't want to get into it too much, but it had me crying at the football game, and it wasn't because BB farted and there was some radioactive fumes going on, although that might have been part of the reason.
But BB and I talked for a while when we got home, and it was an intense chat. I decided that I'm gonna start looking for some kind of internship or something in Las Vegas or Austin or something.
The bottom line is that he wants to see what will happen if he doesn't have me as a crutch. He wants to have a situation where I'm not there so he has to get up out of his comfortable situation and see what else is happening in the world. And you know.. I need to do that too. I need to see what it's like when I don't have the excuse, "Oh, I can't, I'm hanging out with BB." Because that is an excuse I've been carrying around for a long, long time.
So, if this actually does happen, if we do actually take a month or two off from each other, I don't see it as totally bad. I will miss him, but I'll also figure out what it's like when I have to find things to do on my own. Crutches are bad. I want to learn how to walk on my own.
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I decided that I hate the song "Landslide."
Okay, I don't hate it. But in all the incarnations I've heard - Dixie Chicks, Smashing Pumpkins, and Fleetwood Mac - it's meant something to me somehow. And when I was crying and BB was holding me last night, Landslide came on.
"I've been afraid of changing since I built my life around you..." yeah. That's just.. painful right now. It's been painful to me forever, because I'm always building my life around something. So yeah, bah on Landslide.
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Some interesting google hits of the past 24 hours: Vin Diesel no shirt, 70's porn BB's, my boobs, Stephanie and Axl, Axl Rose drugs, canine oral sex, wantsexnow, preejaculation, getting rid of man boobs, what do I wear to an outdoor wedding in November, bizarre google hits (tee hee!), my huge boobs, Christian Slater naked. Yay.
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Click on this if you know what's good for you: (yes I know you can't see it, but do it anyway cuz I'm like votes away from being #1!)
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I had some fajitas with grilled onions, and dizamn people.. I have had some icky gas. We had to leave the windows cracked tonight just so I wouldn't get into my car tomorrow with the overwhelming stench of fart in the air. I just thought I'd share that.
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I love how the last 3 entries in my guestbook start with "Dude!" That's just cool to me. Ya know? Okay then.
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We went to a haunted house tonight. It was fun.
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Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight!
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Fleetwood Mac Landslide Lyrics
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
10:46 p.m. - October 26, 2002
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