mymichele's Diaryland Diary

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just a lot of crying and love and rain and football.

Awww, everyone join the love circle. Can you feel the love? Can you? CAN YOU FEEL IT?!!

I've just been in a really reflective mood as of late. It's just interesting how things change in life, but really, nothing changes that much.

In other news, why is it that i always seem to be caught with my pants down? Everytime someone knocks on the door or some such, there I am, with no pants on, then I have to yell "Hold on!" while I struggle to find my pants and put them on. This has happened many times lately. What must the other people be thinking? "What the hell is she doing in there?" But, come on. Why should I have to wear pants if I live by myself? What's the point? I like to have as little clothes on as possible. Damnit, people, can't you come by when I at least have my fucking pants on?

It has rained everyday this week. Can you tell that I'm getting turned on more and more as the days go by? And it's supposed to rain this weekend, too. BB and I went to a high school football game and it rained a little during the game. It probably didn't get higher than 85 degrees today. In August, people are wearing jackets. It's just such an amazing event that is should be document. By me. Here, in diaryland.

My dad called me tonight at 11:30. It was depressing. I assume he was drunk off his ass. I told BB that I was worried about him, and he was like, "What? He was just drunk! He just got home, heard the message from you, and not knowing what time it was, called you. He's probably sad because his son is gay, his daughter doesn't appreciate him, his ex wife doesn't love him anymore, and he doesn't really have anyone to talk to, and the only thing that he really did love burned down in a fire!" That actually made me cry. My poor dad. I don't know what anyone can do to make him happy.

I'm going to go transfer some more of my poems over now, for everyone's enjoyment and perhaps amusement.

I really need to call Angel Boy. He hasn't called me back, but maybe he erased my number or something. But I think I really need to see him. I miss him, and if I've learned anything lately, it's that fact that if you want people in your life, you have to make the effort to keep them there.

Here's an unsentletter that I "unsent" today to him:

Ryan -

What makes a person unforgettable? Is it their eyes, is it their character, their car, their house?

Or is it the way they affect another person's life? The way they come in and change everything, make it so never again will anything ever be the same.

I knew. I knew the second I saw you sitting on the bench at the mall that my life had changed forever.

Yes, I know. When I was 15 and you were 17. we didn't even have that great of a relationship. I called you a million times a day, you never called me. I was jealous of all the female friends you had. You would stand me up, or be an hour late. But I loved you, and you loved me, and I knew that in some kind of way. You never pushed me too far sexually, even though it was more than clear that I wanted it, and I will always respect that.

I dreamed about you last night. You got married. I went to your wedding and cried the whole night. I'm 21. I met you 6 years ago, and I can't forget you. I can't forget the way I feel when I'm around you, like we were meant to me together. I haven't seen you for a year, but I know I will see you again, because you'll always be in my life.

I will always wonder what could have been. I know it's probably too late now. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend, and I don't think I'd jeopardize that. I tried to initiate something all those years ago, when we worked together, but it wasn't meant to be.

It's so frustrating to know in my heart that we were somehow meant to be together, yet we're not.

You are in my dreams, and in my heart. I will never forget you, and I know someday soon I'll see you again. I have thought about you every single day since the moment I met you, and I want you to know that.

But somehow, I think you already do know that. And maybe you feel the same way. Maybe, in your heart, you wish things could have been different too. But they weren't. And so we're destined to just be like this. Like this, forever in each other's universes, bound by destiny, but never destined to be together.

Love,Elizabeth

_________________________

I would like to thank Kat once again for her kind, caring words. You made me want to cry tonight. I'm glad we can start over. You came to my 13th birthday party, you know. Along with Amanda, Linda, and Christine (god how annoying was she!). Do you see them writing captivatingly honest things about me here? Nope. I thank you for your honesty.

And maybe someday we'll actually hang out or something! :)

11:44 p.m. - August 30, 2001

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