mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A long entry with old times, a bit of religion, and rain! FINALLY.. THE LIZ HAS COME BACK TO HER DORM! Now I can download stuff and look at porn and write porn and have Diaryland fun while half nekkid again! My computer hasn't worked since April, and I thought I was all great and wonderful because I was functioning without a working computer in my dorm. But what happened was I just started spending a whole lot of time in the computer lab and it was all very pointless. So here I am, with my old computer because the new one is being fixed at this moment by the wonderful and talented Dorkus Boy, in all my old computer glory. This is good times, my friends. Good times. ***** So yesterday I went to church with Crazy Friend. Much to my surprise, even though I haven't been to church in a long time, I got the same familiar feelings. These feelings are a total mystery to me, and I have no idea why I have them or where they come from, but it moves me. I am moved when I go to church. I was almost moved to tears many times last night, especially during the praise music. There's something about the music, and the people closing their eyes and raising their hands to the sky just does something to me. I feel something. I know, I'm just surprised as you. It seems out of character for porn-loving-cussing-up a-storm-Guns-N-Roses-loving-bisexual chick to feel the spirit or whatever it is while in church. But it's there, and as much as I try to deny it, it's gonna stay there. I don't want to get into this whole thing, but when I was really heavy into this religion stuff almost 2 years ago, I was almost there. I could almost feel myself giving my life to God. But I just couldn't do it. I don't know what was holding me back, but I just couldn't. And when I realized I couldn't, I just stopped trying. And I miss it, I guess. I really do. And that scares me. Ya know? Anyway. ***** It rained today! So instead of 105 degrees, it's 85! Don't you love summer rain? Yes, I know you do. ***** What was MyMichele doing a year ago? (This is really weird.. I'm finding that my entries from a year ago are eerily similar to my current entries.. it's really kinda funny and stuff!) "I've never really been a religous person, especially in the last couple of years, because I like to think of myself as a journalist. Someone who questions things and needs to know everything before committing. The only time I've had religion in my life was when I'd made the yearly trek to Sky Ranch every summer for 2 weeks, where I'd learn about the bible and sing songs praising God. I'd learn a lot and then forget it all two weeks after I'd get home. It was hard for me. I thought christianity was somehow uncool, and people would lose respect for me if they knew I was a Christian. I had a hard time beliving everything I was hearing, and I questioned it. My point here is, I don't know what I am. I don't know what I want to be. What I know is that I get chills when I'm at church or when I'm attending a church get together and I hear praise songs. I don't want to get the chills, and I want to ignore them, but it's impossible. When I'm in traffic and tell someone to get the fuck out of the way, I think to myself, "God wouldn't appreciate me saying that." I can't believe I'm thinking stuff like that! I'm trying to make this feeling go away, because the thought of something so powerful is just sometimes too much to bear. What am I afraid of? I highly doubt that God approves of me writing porn and distributing it on the internet. It has been requested by more than one person that I write more porn. That's not something Jesus would approve of, I think. I think, if I really devoted myself to God and Christianity, then I'd have to break up with my boyfriend because he will never be a christian. I went to a bible study on Thursday and I brought this up to the people there. They said that was normal, and that God has a rope around me and he's trying to pull me towards him, and it's not going to be easy to get out of the rope. I don't know if I want the rope to be shorter or longer, and it's hard, but at least I know that I have options. It's just a scary thing, you know? Especially when I tell my non-christian friends about what I'm doing, and they ask if I'm crazy and why the hell I'm doing that. I sometimes wonder that too, but what can I say? I feel it. I feel it when I don't want to, and when I do. And now I have friends, who come by and call me and care about me and invite me to their weddings. It's all very confusing and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it." ***** I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up until 2 AM reading old chats that I had logged. It was funny, really. I enjoyed it, let me tell ya. I enjoyed it so much that I'm going to start beating yall over the head with some of these logs, because maybe you'll find them as amusing as I did! Probably not, but it's my diary, and not yours! MUAHAHAHA! Anyway, at the end of this entry, I'm going to post my essay-thingie from Matchmaker. A little bit of history: In 1996, I was really into BBSing, and Matchmaker was merely a BBS and not the mammoth dating site you see before you now. It was local, and I met a lot of people on there, including BB. I was popular. Everyone knew me, and every weekend we'd get together and hang out. Everyone paired off and there was a lot of psychoness and sex and all kinds of things. Both of the people I've had sex with were both on Matchmaker, so you can imagine what kind of happy fun times went on over there. A little bit about this essay I'm posting.. It's almost a little embarrasing. I was flaunting the fact that I had BB. I'm sure he just loved that. I changed his name in here.. I obviously didn't call him BB back then :) I wrote this in February of '98, so we had been together about 6 months at the time. I was 18 and a senior in high school. I think it's funny that I kept this kind of stuff, but I'm glad I did. People mentioned in here: Arlington Girl is a chick that I messed around with a time or two, and a really good friend. Doofus Boy was my ex boyfriend. Louisiana Boy was a dude that lived in Louisiana. Okay? Okay. >***** 3:02 p.m. - July 29, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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