mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, this is rock bottom. I was gonna write this over here and I did and then I erased it! But before I erased it I thought it was stupid to hold back from this diary. I've written a lot of things in here over the 13.5 months I've been here, so there shouldn't be a reason to hold back now. From now on, there's going to be more substance. If that makes me lose readers, good. 133 is too many, anyway. Well, not really. So, I did it again tonight. Like I said in the previous entry, I got a pizza. And some breadsticks. And it was probably my intentions from the very beginning to eat it and then throw it up again, but I didn't think about that at first. I just thought it would be nice to have some pizza tonight. But tonight is the 6th time I've done it. The first 3 times were spaced out between 2 months. The next 3 times were all in one week, a couple of days apart. This is alarming to me. This is scary to me. Let's just go ahead and say the word, shall we? Bulemia. I am turning into some lame movie of the week starring Meredith Baxter Burney. I am turning into someone I would see on TV in the past and say to myself, "That's horrible.. why would they want to do that to themselves? Why would they eat so much and then want to throw it up?" I know now. Because you get obsessed, and when you reach a certain point, you'll just about do anything to not gain another pound. I've always struggled with my weight, but not like this. Not like it is now, consuming me, taking over my thoughts, making it something I think about with every second of my day. I have to get a grip on myself. I have to put myself together. This is really starting to get out of control and really stupid and scary. I'm not even losing weight, for fucks sake! I haven't moved past 180 and it's really starting to get on my nerves! I really wanted to see Jeep Girl tonight. I feel like she's the only person I could talk to about this, since she's been through it. And in a way, she's part of the reason why I started doing it. She's beautiful and I want to be beautiful too. And I never thought about it until I learned that she's done it. I'm not blaming her. I'm only blaming myself for what I'm doing to myself. It's crazy. The worst part about it is is that I feel better after I throw up. My stomach feels empty, and I feel relieved, like I accomplished something. This is not a happy feeling, no it isn't. I don't want to go to therapy for this, I want to sort it out on my own. I'm a joke, you know? Eventually I want to become a therapist and I can't even get my own shit together. I can't look inside myself and see the true reason why I'm torturing myself like this. I just don't know. I've never reached the level that I'm at now. I've felt worse about myself, I've been more depressed, but right now I feel so lonely I just want to lay down and cry. I have a french final that I really should be studying for, but how can I when this is the only thing I can allow myself to think about? Bah.. I'm so lonely right now in my stupid dorm room. I feel like I have nobody to talk to.. Jeep Girl just got on IM and I so very much want to talk to her about it but I don't know if that's appropriate. But I did bring it up and now we're talking and it's good. I want to talk to BB about it but he just wouldn't understand.. he lost all his weight by just not eating so goddamn much. This probably stems from that.. we compete a lot in this relationship and this is just another competition.. he's the golden boy because he lost a million pounds and I'm the loser who can't lose any more weight. I'm just so disgusted with myself and I can't stop crying.. even Jeep Girl is appalled.. and I'm so lonely and I just don't understand. I don't know why this could have happened to me, a reasonably intelligent person who knows what happens when you repeatedly stick your finger down your throat to make yourself vomit. Your body starts rebelling, your period starts, your hair falls out, the acid in your stomach gets eaten, your heart gets fucked up, all that shit. I know that. And I do it anyway. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again after the first time I did it. But I'm going to promise myself again, tonight, because tonight I'm pretty sure I've hit rock bottom. I got pizza expressly for the purpose of binging and purging, I'm blowing off my french final so I can obsess over it, and I'm crying like a little schoolgirl. Although talking to Jeep Girl really helped. I really need to study now. I don't know about you, but relative pronouns really confuse me. ***** *Jeep Girl*: hello. r u studying? Me: hey :-) Me: I should be, but I'm not *Jeep Girl*: :-) Me: are you feeling better? *Jeep Girl*: i took a break to go walk sunshine and now i'm a fugitive from the law Me: that doesn't sound good *Jeep Girl*: my stomach hurts so bad. i don't know what's wrong. Me: :-( *Jeep Girl*: i keep going to the bathroom. i went to class today and didn't think i'd make it without crappin my pants. :-) Me: that's sexy *Jeep Girl*: is it illegal in denton for dogs to poop in a public place. like on the grass? Me: I have no idea *Jeep Girl*: heheh. yeah, i got a way with the words... Me: happy early birthday and stuff :-) *Jeep Girl*: thanks :-) *Jeep Girl*: yeah. it's my birthday almost :-) *Jeep Girl*: thanks for membering :-) Me: hey umm I kinda wanted to talk to you about something that isn't good times Me: if you have a few minutes :-) *Jeep Girl*: okay. u okay? *Jeep Girl*: :-( *Jeep Girl*: yes, yes i do :-) *Jeep Girl*: if i get kicked off it's not my fault :-) *Jeep Girl*: just fyi. Me: not really.. I've kinda started doing what you used to do.. :-( *Jeep Girl*: WHAT???? Me: I've done it 6 times and I'm really not very happy with myself :-( *Jeep Girl*: oh Elizabeth :-( *Jeep Girl*: why? *Jeep Girl*: is that how you lost the weight? :-( Me: no.. I haven't even been losing weight that way *Jeep Girl*: :-( Me: I lost most of the weight a few months ago when I just didn't eat much *Jeep Girl*: why Lizzie? :-( Me: I just really want to lose weight and it's really starting to get out of control.. Me: I don't know what else to do.. I can't make myself eat healthy.. but I don't eat that much, either.. Me: I always eat under 1200 calories a day and work out all the time but it doesn't work.. *Jeep Girl*: Elizabeth, losing weight the right way just takes time. *Jeep Girl*: you look WONDERFUL you always have. Me: I don't feel like it *Jeep Girl*: please don't start a habit that you can't stop :-( Me: I don't want to! It's like there's a voice telling me to do it and go ahead and get it over with.. and there's another voice saying that if I do it, I'll keep doing it and I won't be able to stop.. Me: this is just a really bad time for this to happen.. cuz like I need to study pronouns, damnit *Jeep Girl*: :-( *Jeep Girl*: I'm not going to preach to you, but i am going to tell you that what you are doing to your body is VERY dangerous Me: BB just lost 100 pounds and I guess I feel like I have to catch up with him or something.. if he can do it after all this time, why can't I? he lost 100 friggin pounds in 3 1/2 months Me: I know it's dangerous and I know it's stupid and I'm a reasonably intelligent person and there's no reason for me to be doing it.. I know that.. *Jeep Girl*: a lady in keller was bulimic for just a few months and she died when her esophogus ruptured. it's just too much for a persons body to take . the purging. *Jeep Girl*: that's what made me stop. *Jeep Girl*: i don't want to die yet. and when i read her story which happened last january i just told myself no. *Jeep Girl*: first you have to understand that you are a wonderfully made person and that instead of losing weight bulimia actually causes you to bloat and gain weight. :-( Me: I know.. I'm probably not going to do it anymore after tonight because I think that this is probably rock bottom. *Jeep Girl*: you are so beautiful liz, i know you don't think that but you are. *Jeep Girl*: please don't do something because you feel you need to catch up to BB. Me: but I have this big ol stomach and it's icky! Me: I want to have salads and eat healthy but my car goes to Mcdonalds instead.. it's all very poopy. *Jeep Girl*: BB was severly unhealthy. he HAD to lose weight to stay alive and be healthy. *Jeep Girl*: :-( *Jeep Girl*: it's okay ;-) *Jeep Girl*: just portion things. *Jeep Girl*: if you find your car at mcdonalds. get a kids burger meal. *Jeep Girl*: you'll feel full when you are done :-) *Jeep Girl*: i'm not the expert on health. although i've stopped making myself sick, i'm not too healthy of an eater :-) Me: I am just so disgusted with myself right now.. I don't know why I've led myself to this point in my life.. Me: but you look all hot and stuff in shorts and your little tank top.. I can't even wear shorts.. and the world isn't ready to see my in my tank top *Jeep Girl*: "idea" *Jeep Girl*: buy a set of 5lb weights at walmart. Me: I have weights Me: I work out every day *Jeep Girl*: use them for a few minutes a day doing curl lifts, overhead lifts, and squats, it helps a lot *Jeep Girl*: try eating more calories *Jeep Girl*: sounds weird, but your body thinks its starving *Jeep Girl*: 1200 cals isn't very many *Jeep Girl*: i'd say take it up to 15-1650 Me: buh *Jeep Girl*: Elizabeth I love you SO MUCH. you have NO IDEA. and i NEVER want to see you go through the pain of that disease. :-( Me: At the beginning of the summer I was so excited about this diet.. I was going to come back to school and everyone wouldn't recognize me and it would be so great.. *Jeep Girl*: girl! i barely recognized you! Me: and now it's the end and I can't get past 183 on the scale. *Jeep Girl*: i was like "is that her" and i saw your backpack and knew it was you. *Jeep Girl*: scale schmale Me: cuz it had Axl on it? :-) *Jeep Girl*: is that what you're basing this on? Me: it doesn't have Axl on it so nevermind *Jeep Girl*: yep good ole ax ;-) *Jeep Girl*: it has liz love axle *Jeep Girl*: i think??? Me: it just says Liz :-) Me: anyway Me: yes, that's what I'm basing it on *Jeep Girl*: well that's retarded! Me: I feel fat and the scale doesn't go down and it depresses me Me: well! yes! *Jeep Girl*: muscle weighs a lot more than fat!!!!! *Jeep Girl*: heck, wanna know how much i weigh? 153. Me: but I still have a gigantic stomach that won't go away! *Jeep Girl*: do 20 crunches a day. Me: Well! You look good! And that's 30 pounds less than me! *Jeep Girl*: that will make you feel better :-) *Jeep Girl*: you're taller than me :-) Me: I weighed 135 for 3 years Me: please.. how tall are you? Me: And I didn't even know I was good looking.. I missed out on thinking I was a hot chick because I didn't even know I was a hot chick Me: and I was a hot chick! *Jeep Girl*: you are STILL HOT *Jeep Girl*: and you're smart *Jeep Girl*: you are a normal girl :-) *Jeep Girl*: with curves and boobs. *Jeep Girl*: :-) *Jeep Girl*: that's all you need! Me: I do have some boobs *Jeep Girl*: and i'm 5'3.5 *Jeep Girl*: me too! Me: I'm 5'4 so that really isn't that much of a difference, ding dong *Jeep Girl*: :-) *Jeep Girl*: well....you look a lot taller than me...maybe i'm 5'2.4 *Jeep Girl*: or something Me: hehe Me: I ordered pizza tonight and I didn't think I was going to do it.. but I probably knew the whole time I was going to do it.. why else would I have gotten pizza if I wasn't going to do it? Me: This is just not fun.. really not fun. Me: not good times at all. *Jeep Girl*: i know darlin :-( Me: but I will just consider tonight rock bottom and I'll just move on from that *Jeep Girl*: please do :-) *Jeep Girl*: *idea* *Jeep Girl*: take one day at a time Me: right.. today is the first day of the rest of my life and all of that *Jeep Girl*: wake up and say "i'm not going to puke my guts out today" *Jeep Girl*: if you end up puking them out, just chalk it up and say "i'm not going to do it tomorrow" *Jeep Girl*: umm...no... *Jeep Girl*: just that taking one day at a time is easier than saying "i'll never puke my guts out again" *Jeep Girl*: that way if you fail you don't go into a deep depression. Me: well I shouldn't even do that.. it hasn't really become a habit yet, it's just something that's happened.. it isn't really something I feel like I need to do.. it feels like something that seems like a good idea at the time Me: does that make sense? *Jeep Girl*: yeah. that's how i started though. and like the doctors say. vomiting isn't the problem, it's the thoughts behind the vomiting Me: guh.. this is not fun Me: I told BB the first time I did it and he said if I did it again, he'd tell my parents about it.. so I don't feel like I can talk to him about it.. and he wouldn't understand, anyway.. *Jeep Girl*: nope Me: he's too busy being adored for all the weight he's lost Me: so really you're the only person I can talk to.. and I really appreciate that.. I know you need to study, I do too.. but tonight just hasn't been a good night *Jeep Girl*: well, just remember everytime you barf the acid in your stomach is tearing away at your esophogus and also causing the enamel on your teeth to wear *Jeep Girl*: i know :-( *Jeep Girl*: i wish i could help. *Jeep Girl*: i know how you feel *Jeep Girl*: and i know where you are *Jeep Girl*: but no matter what i say i know it's all up to you *Jeep Girl*: i'll definitely be praying for you and loving you! :-) Me: I know.. I can overcome this, I know.. I just have to get a grip on it.. I don't want this to be what destroys me *Jeep Girl*: it won't be ;-) *Jeep Girl*: i'll knock you out and have you frozen first :-) Me: ahhh.. cold *Jeep Girl*: i really am glad you feel you can talk to me about this. :-) and you don't have to worry about me ever telling anyone, not even sunshine :-) Me: well.. you understand.. and you don't judge me.. and that's good.. I'm just glad I have a friend like you.. :-) *Jeep Girl*: yeah!!! *Jeep Girl*: yeah, you're pretty much the only girl i talk to, 'cept my mom, sister, and sunshine. *Jeep Girl*: :-) *Jeep Girl*: i'm glad we're friends :-) Me: I wanna come see the sunshine! *Jeep Girl*: yeah!!!! *Jeep Girl*: she's such a stinky dinker!!! Me: I gotta leave my dorm this week but I'll be back the week after that.. I'll come pester you for a while Me: we gotta do more stuff next semester *Jeep Girl*: yes!!! *Jeep Girl*: that would be GREAT!!! :-) Me: what classes do you have next semester? are you gonna go crazy? *Jeep Girl*: hehehe. yep! Me: sounds like fun *Jeep Girl*: umm..i have shakespeare, literary criticism, chicano literature, Me: chicano literature! woohoo *Jeep Girl*: and some other english classes. *Jeep Girl*: yeah, that wasn't my first or 50th pick *Jeep Girl*: i registered late. bah Me: not good times Me: I'll let you go back to studying now if you want.. thanks for putting up with me :-) *Jeep Girl*: hey! it's not "putting up" it's "having fun" *Jeep Girl*: :-) *Jeep Girl*: i'm praying for you!!!! you can do it!!! hehehe :-) Me: thanks :-) have a good birthday.. tell Sunshine aunt Lizzie says hi *Jeep Girl*: i will! thanks gorgeous girl!!! :-) love ya mucho!!! Me: love ya too :-) good night.. donde esta el bano and stuff *Jeep Girl*: hehehe :-) thanks! 'night!!! :-) 8:11 p.m. - August 08, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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