mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Very bad things and random thoughts I'm probably going to delete this entry later, because I'm just a weenie like that, but right now I have a confession to make in front of Diaryland. I have to make myself accountable for the things I do sometimes, and I think this is a good place to do that. This morning, I woke up and had 2 waffles with peanut butter. That should have been enough for me. More than enough. But on the way to the gym of all places, I went to Mcdonalds and got one of the dreaded bagel sandwiches. I was disgusted with myself after I ate most of the stupid bagel. I had just consumed 700 calories of pure fatty nastyness, and I was just disgusted. Why haven't I gotten over that stupid bagel yet? It's been more than a year, and I still crave it. So, I got to the gym, headed straight for the bathroom, stuck my finger down my throat and got the desired results. I flushed the toilet and then headed out to lift weights. And this isn't the first time I've done this, either. I've done it two other times in the last month and a half. While I know 3 times hardly qualifies me for the movies I watched in gym class in junior high with Tracey Gold and Karen Carpenter, but still. It's not a good habit. And it's just stupid. Well, don't worry. I'm not ready to join the pro-ana ring just yet. I am truly disgusted with myself right now and I know I have to get my shit together. I have to get a grasp on what's really important. I have to learn that I don't need to get everything I want. I mean, I'm sure BB wanted to order a pizza and eat the whole thing sometime in the past 3 months, but he knew that in order to get to his goal, he had to just eat the salad and be happy about that. I told BB about what I did when I did it the first time, and he was pretty much outraged. He said if I did it again, he'd tell my parents about it. Needless to say, I haven't shared this with him since then. I still make sure that I have under 1200 calories a day on this friggin diet, but I eat the crappiest stuff to get there. I have yogurt with Recess Peanut Butter Cups, I have MexiMelts from Taco Bell, I have a burger from Burger King, I have a Krispy Kreme. That's not going to help me lose weight, and I have to face that fact, and learn to love salads and other healthy things so I can get over this. I want to be healthy, and I want to look good, and I want to feel good about myself. I know this is all psychological. Yeah, my hypothyroid and the polycystic ovaries hinder my ability to lose weight a little, but for the most part, it's up to me. I don't understand why I continue to sabotage myself in this way. I know I'll be happy once I'm able to lose this stomach, but I continually eat crap to make sure that doesn't happen. It's just not fun. When I was working out, I felt like everyone was staring at me because they knew I was such a loser. But it probably had more to do with the big giant booger that was hanging out my nose that I only noticed later on in the day and less to do with my guilty soul. Lovely, isn't it? I'm just.. sooo.. tired of this. I've lost 20 pounds and nobody seems to notice. I have to lose 40 more and I just don't know how I'm going to achieve that. I have to get a grip on myself, and it's just so hard to do that. So hard. Everybody has their vices. Sex, drugs, violence, whatever. Mine is food, and that sucks because we all have to eat. I wish I didn't live in a dorm so I could cool healthy stuff, but even when I lived in an apartment I'd hardly ever use the kitchen. Anyway. I'm going to shut up now because I just suck. But thank you for listening. ***** Random thoughts: We went on a 2 week road trip at the beginning of the summer this year. My boyfriend and I were at about the height of our bad issues, so it was bad in that regard. (He was also going to dump me for some chick when we got home, but that's neither here nor there right now.) But it was fun, we took a tour of the East Coast. We went to North Carolina, South Carolina, Delaware, Illinois, Maryland, New York, Canada, New Jersey, DC, all those neato places. My favorite place was Hilton Head, South Carolina. My least favorite place was either New Jersey (sorry Not-A-Barbie :) ) or Charleston, South Carolina. I would like to thank gas in general for being so incredibly expensive (at least $1.69 at every place we went to) while we were on the trip and then going down 30 cents everywhere after we get back. We were in a Land Rover, so believe me when I say we had some major gas issues. (In more way than one, since my boyfriend is lactose intolerant!)It also rained every single day on this trip, and it was cold in almost every city. In May! I thought that was a nice change of pace from Texas. My boyfriend participated in his bowling league last night, and I went along with him. There was a girl in the lane next to us who had white hair that I've never really seen someone have. She either looked like Dawn from the Babysitters Club or one the creepy kids from Village of the Damned (which, incidentally, was the first movie thatAngel Boy and I ever saw together. I don't know if that's really a good thing.)It was a little scary, actually. I've been to Canada twice. The first time, when we went to Winnipeg, I was barely there for 30 minutes and a bee stung me. That was the first time and the last time I'd ever been stung. I figured it was a lovely "stay out of Canada, damnit!" gesture. But I went back a few years later and the bees stayed away. So kiss my ass, Canadian bees. 1:44 p.m. - August 03, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||