mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fate vs. Religion I just heard the most horrific song. It's a Janet Jackson song, and the beginning of it is from that song about "Put your hand upon my hip, when you dip.." blah blah. Psycho boy loved that song. I, in fact, hate that song. *cringe* BB is driving me crazy. As of late, well actually, the whole fucking relationship, he's wanted to have a life seperate from ours together. He doesn't want me to meet his friends, he doesn't want to meet my friends, he doesn't take an active role in my life, and it drives me crazy. I know this is how he likes it, and sometimes I like it too. I like not having to tell him every move I make when I make it, and hanging out with my friends without having to answer to him all the time. But I want to share these things with him, I want us to talk, I want us to be a part of each other. After almost 4 years, I don't feel like I'm asking too much. But there's some things you just have to put up with if you want the relationship to last. I know I keep saying that you have to take the good with the bad, but you do, and you know you do. One person and one relationship can't be perfect, it's just not possible. But this will always be our problem. I think we should share things and keep our lives entertwined (sorry, I can't spell that) but still maintain distance and he thinks we should just have seperate everything and still maintain distance. It's very annoying, and very frustrating, and I'm not going to do anything about it because there's nothing to do. I am going to do one thing. It seems lately that he is too busy with his friends to really talk to me anymore, and it he wants it that way, whatever. I'm not going to keep putting myself on the line to talk to him when he doesn't feel like talking. I hate playing games like this, and not acting like I naturally do, but obviously I have to do something to get myself noticed. That is so lame. Being noticed by someone who's supposed to be the one who notices you the most. I'm so frustrated right now I don't even want to justify it by telling everyone about his good qualities, which I always feel like I should do. I love him and I want to make a future with him, but I can't if he keeps his distance like he does. GRRRRR! Why does this shit have to be so damn frustrating! In other news, I think my eyes are getting ready to sink into my brain. I think I keep seeing the computer get shaky and fuzzy, but I'm really not. I think this because every time my cell phone rings, that's what my computer does. It's very strange. It just freaks out. Is it a disturbance in the force or something? Okay, on to another subject completely. It's almost been a year since I started really thinking about religion and God, and I'm still as confused as before, but a little more educated. I just don't think I can manage to forget about "fate" and make it into thinking about "God." I know that there is another force somewhere that makes things happen that wouldn't happen naturally, because these things have happened to me. Maybe I should acknowledge the fact that some of these events are manufactured by God, and that I need to recognize this, and I need to learn more about him so I know why, and all that. But I think it's more that sometimes in our lives, we are meant to have certain things happen, have certain people in our lives, and make certain decisions. Our fate is centered around these things, people, and decisions, and we make our own fate. If, for instance, you meet two people at a party you like. You have to choose between these two people, and whoever you choose, your life will be different because you have that person in your life. If you pick person A, he may be nice and provide you with the life you've always wanted and make you happy, or if you choose person B, he may start out to be nice but then turn into a total asshole and change your life forever, and if you get rid of him, you'll still be different than if you chose person A. Did that make absolutly any sense at all? The point is, I don't know what to think. Fate always sounds more romantic and intriuging than just chalking everything up to God, but sometimes you have to just believe in what's right, now what's romantic. I know I have this all wrong, but fate makes sense to me. The fact that something is out there, making sure things happen in my life the way they were meant to, thats exciting to me. I watched Groundhog Day tonight, can you tell? :) 12:08 a.m. - 2001-08-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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