mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lose yourself in the music, the moment... How do people deal with this? I mean, really. How do you get through the days without feeling like driving on the traintracks and letting the train sweep you and your car away? I know I'm not the first person to ever go through this. I KNOW this, but it's so hard. I know that everyone goes through it at some point, and now it's my turn. It just hurts so much.. he loves someone else. The girl that almost tore us apart the first time is in his life again, and he doesn't have any reason not to be with her. It would almost be easier if I knew that he was totally over me, but that's not what he's saying. He's saying that he's not totally impressed by her, she's driving him crazy because of certain things she does. He's saying that he "wishes she was me" in a lot of ways, and that someday we'll figure it all out, if it was meant to be. It would be so much easier if he hadn't taken me in his arms yesterday and told me that he missed me. He's keeping me on the back burner. He actually said, "I don't want you to think we're going to get back together someday, but I don't want you to not think that either." Like he's keeping me around just in case he gets tired of the other one. Like, just in case I get my life together and can finally have one whole night of sleep without tossing and turning with the thought of him, he can come back and wreck it all just by wanting me back. It hurts too much. He used to believe in me, you know? He used to have faith in me. He knew that even if I was a total society reject right now, someday I'd get my shit together, and I thought he would be right there with me when it happened. But then again, it probably couldn't have happened if he was there. A vicious cycle. I miss him. I miss him so much, and I just want to get through this, but I don't understand how. It's sooo hard. So extremely hard. How do people do it? How do people just decide to move on from the person they loved so completely for so long? I just don't understand how I'm going to do this. It hurts so bad. It doesn't seem like anything will ever be normal again, not without him in my life. I know I'll go to Austin and join a church and get a job, but he will so totally always be in the back of my mind. I loved him, you know? I loved him more than I ever loved myself, and now I hate myself, and I don't know what to do. However, I should probably lay off the mimosas. That's probably my first priority. 5:31 p.m. - Tuesday, Dec. 24, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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