mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the one where I talk about me and BB's problems at length Hi there. My new rings don't seem to be catching on too well, but hey! Bite me. So tomorrow is BB's birthday. We're probably going to Shreveport, which excites me in the pants. Why am I excited about going to Louisana? Umm, gambling. Yes, I am an addict. It runs in the family. Which is why I almost went crazy when I heard War Emblem WON AGAIN! He might win the TRIPLE CROWN! I should have bet on that bastard again... grrr.. missed opportunities for money is not my friend. Urmm, anyway. I need some money because I spent quite a bit of it on BB's birthday present yesterday. His truck, a 98 Dodge Ram, needs stuff. It is beautiful and deserves to have whatever it wants, so it needs the following things: window tint, keyless entry, an alarm, installation of a car stereo system. I wanted to get him the keyless entry, because I think that's fun. My car doesn't have automatic locks so I don't think I can get that. But anyway! When we talked about everything Bailey (the truck) needed, he sounded like he wanted the tinting. So I got that. For $150. That is definitely the biggest birthday present I've ever bought him, and he didn't even sound that excited about it when I told him. But thats okay. He'll appreciate it. And when my birthday comes, he can't claim that he didn't get me anything good because I didn't get him anything on his birthday. It's a tough job to be so materialistic, you know? But also got him something he might appreciate even more than the tinting, and this cost a whole lot less. He mentioned that he wanted to take his bumper stickers off (because one of them says "Proud parents of a Sailor," which we are not)and get an alumni sticker from our school, since he's graduating in the summer. So, yesterday I bought one and this morning I peeled the other stickers off (which was suprisingly easier than I thought) and put the alumni sticker on. Is this boring to everyone else? Probably. I just realized how boring it might be to read about mundane activities that me and my boyfriend engage in. Like, yesterday we played two rounds of miniature golf in Oklahoma. Yes, we are dorks, we go to different states so we can play cheap miniature golf. But! I won at table hockey. Or um.. I don't know what it's called because I think I have a brain disorder that makes me forget these things, but you know, that thing you do with that little disc thing. Right, right. One thing I am not looking forward to if we go to Shreveport is the appearance of the one and only FGG. But, alas, it's his birthday too. Isn't that cute? Two boys having birthdays and a girl sitting in the backseat of the truck. If that's not fun, I don't know what is. AND we'll probably be sharing a room with the guy. *Sigh.* This is a guy that said he'd give BB $100 if he found out I weighed under 200 pounds. Well, he'll be giving BB that money now, thank you very much. More BB mundaneness: I think I really summed up the situation on Friday really well. I am impressed with my skills at writing my feelings from that day. Does that sound dorky? Probably, but I usually don't feel like I do such a good job sometimes. Here it is again for my pleasure and yours: ***** Okay, so remember how I was obsessing over my boyfriend earlier in the week? Well, let's just say that came crashing down today. I don't really want to get into it (much, anyway), but it just really sucks how sometimes you have these romanticized ideals about how things can be, and then even though you know that they aren't true, you still believe it because that is essientially what you are led to believe. But then it turns out that you were wrong, so desperetly wrong, and then you feel like an idiot because of course you were wrong! I mean, nothing has really changed and sometimes it's just pointless to start believing that things ever will change. Now I know why it's so dangerous to feel the way I did. I knew it was dumb at the time to be all obsessive, but I just lost myself in it for a few days. That always happens, and I just can't do it anymore. I love BB, and what really sucks is the very thing that drew me to him in the first place is the thing that always ends up driving me crazy and making me want to just hide in the corner and cry. He tells the truth. I hate the truth, but I know I need to hear it, no matter how much it sucks, and it drives me absolutly fucking crazy. I just need to keep all this in mind before I start getting in my "Oooh, BB is so wonderful and he can do no wrong and I am so lucky to have him" stage. He is not perfect. And I know that. ***** It's just weird, ya know? We had the exact same fight on Friday that we've been having since one month into our relationship. Seriously, we had this fight, in a smaller way with much less at stake, obviously, in month #1 of our relationship. When I was 18, and he was 19, and things still haven't changed. But they have changed. Since month #1 I've graduated from high school, I've been through 4 years of college, he graduated from college (almost), he's gone from living in a trailer to a nice house, he's gone from having a piece of shit car with no air conditioner to a lovely Dodge Ram, my dog died, my dad got cancer, we've been to different countries together.. so much. But yet we're still having the same problem: he won't fucking committ. He told me in that argument in our first month that he won't committ unless he knows he will marry that person. In his twisted logic in that giant brain of his, it makes sense that he can be open to other.. things... until he knows he's ready to get married. This mostly includes blowjobs from other chicks, you see. This isn't a problem anymore. As he's gotten older, he's pretty much settled down, but in the first 1 or 2 years of our relationship, well, it was bad. Even thought the boy is a virgin, he still knows how to get his groove thing on. And I couldn't do anything about it! I knew he was doing stuff and I knew I couldn't complain about it because I chose to be in this relationship, and by being in this relationship, I choose to overlook things like that because I knew he'd grow out of it and I knew he'd see how important I was to him and committ to me eventually. And there was a time. From November 2000 to February 2001, he was committed. It was nice. But in February, he met that chick. That fucking perfect chick. "Oh, we're just friends." Yeah. Until she dumps her boyfriend of 6 years and starts looking for someone to take his place. That was not a good point in our relationship. I certainly did not mean to go off like this, and I've probably painted a most unappealing picture here. But the truth is, I haven't exactly been a saint myself. There was a time that I thought I should compete with him. So, there was be cornering Angel Boy on my last day in the movie theater, telling him, "I think we should make out tonight." And we did. Oh, how we made out that night. But as soon as I got home, what did I do? I called BB and told him "I made out with Angel Boy tonight. I just thought you should know." And he was like, "Umm.. okay." And there was more stuff that I won't mention because it's not interesting and there's still a little shame in there. Because I wasn't meant to be a slut. Not that I was having sex with them or anything, but I was still doing things that I consider to be a little slutty and not right. I don't believe that people should go out of the relationship for these things when you're perfectly happy where you are. But I guess he's not perfectly happy, and he has different ideas, and that's the biggest fight we're always going to have. But in his defense, he knows what he wants in a wife and I don't have those properties.. yet. I know I could have them and he's told me that he knows I have them, and I just need to work on these things and everything will be happy and rosy. Or not. But I love him. He's tender and loving and smart and gentle and he's a good cook and he's generous and he talks about our future together and he's going to build us a puppy room and he wants to make me happy. We've both made mistakes and we have different values sometimes, but I want him in my future. Geez louise. That was a lot of stuff right there. 9:36 a.m. - May 19, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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