mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a really long list of bad things that are happening in my life, plus Aerosmith! Something I gotta say before I start talking about my anger with things in general, I have to say.. WOW! That whole Aerosmith Icon thing was so entirely cool. Pink singing Janie's Got a Gun was just the coolest thing I've ever heard. I wasn't so jazzed by Train's version of Dream On, but hey, what are you gonna do. And.. no Axl. *Sigh* So.. here I go. I am disturbed by life in general today. Usually I don't write about this stuff because it's probably boring to everyone but me. But things are happening that I don't appreciate, and I really feel like I should get these feelings down. 1. A small thing, but it really pissed me off. I wrote a paper on Goodbye Columbus for my American Fiction class a few weeks ago. I want to get that paper back, because, like most people would, I want to see my damn grade. Now, he starts giving people their papers back on Monday. Was mine in there? No. He hands the next round out today. Did I get mine? No. That made me SOOOOO mad! Mine was only one of THREE that he hadn't graded yet! If he's going to grade the fucking papers, he can grade all of them at the same damn time! My friends in the class didn't really understand why I was so mad about this, but I was so mad I almost friggin started crying! Grrrr. 2. Work is starting to irritate me a little more. First of all, it's getting harder and harder to track people down. At the beginning of the semester, people were actually in their office and they actually called me back when I left a message. Now they're not there when they tell me they will be, causing me unnecessary stress, and that's NO FUN. If you're going to tell me that you're in your office at 3, be there at 3! HOW HARD IS THAT? See, people, we MUST have two sources for every story. It's not so hard to get one most of the time, but sometimes it's almost impossible to get the second friggin person! JUST BE THERE WHEN YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO BE THERE, YOU DAMN MUSIC PERSON! Anyway. 3. Also at work, my stories are being butchered! The past two days, there have been ugly things in my stories that are not good. Yesterday there was this whole thing where I had the guy playing an instrument he didn't really play (tenor sax) and then I remembered when I got home that I needed to change that, so I called Editor Guy and told him to change it for me, and you'd think, since he was Editor Guy, he'd do that for me so we could avoid making corrections in the paper. But, no. He didn't do it. And then when I saw it in the paper today and kinda casually brought it up, he pretended he had no clue what I was talking about! And then for my friggin Deryl Dodd review, I had written this whole thing about the country line dancing that was going on.. I wrote that whole paragraph down in my notebook WHILE I WAS AT THE CONCERT so I wouldn't forget it! And they butchered it! The way the editors edited it made no sense and made me look like a fuck head. Grrr. Did you hear that? GRRRR! Only 6 more days only 6 more days only 6 more days only 6 more days 4. My dad. My dad is driving me crazy. I called him a million times yesterday because I wanted to know what was going on, and he only called me back today, sounding really insincere. And my dad's girlfriend called me at 8:30 am and woke me up just to tell me all this pointless stuff about how she bought 2 books, "How to deal with your gay son" or something like that. Yeah, that's going to work, dearie. I like her, I really do, but sometimes she's just a little clueless. And she told me he's still not dealing with my brother being gay very well. He told my mom that he "was looking over the trust fund and it was looking like Elizabeth (yes, that's me, thank you) is going to be a very wealthy girl." GAHH! WHY CAN'T HE GET OVER IT! WHY WHY WHY! It makes me so mad. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The only thing that changed is the fact he can't bury his head in his ass anymore. And this cancer thing! I'm not really mad about that.. I'm just.. frustrated. I thought all the cancer was gone.. I thought everything was going to be okay with that. It still probably is, but what if it's not? We won't know for a week.. and what if things are bad? Really bad? I don't understand.. I'm really frustrated with this. And now I'm crying and I'm hoping it's because of these new pills I'm taking because I don't want to believe that these things are affecting me so much that I want to cry about them. 5. And BB.. I feel so .. smothered by him sometimes. I feel so angry sometimes that I spent my years in college playing house with BB, instead of going out and partying and having fun. I should have gone to the College of Sante Fe instead of going to a college 20 minutes away. I should have made better grades in high school. I should have made better grades in junior high and set a pattern for myself so that I could have gotten into UT like I really wanted to do in the first place. Yes, I'm bitter. I'm bitter about a lot of things, and I feel like it's holding me down. Yes, I kinda sorta feel like BB is holding me down. A lot of things happen on Fridays and Saturdays, and that's when we hang out, and if I want to do something else on that day, he takes it as a personal insult most of the time! I love spending time with him and he's wonderful most of the time, but I just can't help but think sometimes, "Is this really how I want to spend my life? Is this really who I want to marry? Someone who doesn't want to meet my friends, someone who I know won't offer me some of the things I really want even though he offers me a lot of other stuff that I never even thought I wanted?! And a selfish thing.. I really want to go on this road trip in May but I don't see how we can.. I don't see myself being able to drive through freakin Alberta Canada just because BB doesn't want to pay extra money for gas. I don't want to drive! But I want to go! And I don't think my dad will appreciate me taking the car that he said at the beginning, "No more than 10,000 miles a year!" on a 6000 mile journey through Canada. I'm glad I'm crying, though. I haven't really cried for a while. If it's the pills I've just started taking, I'm grateful to them. I think having a good cry is a good thing. 6. And I got a 60 on my Newspaper Management test! But I got an A on my feature writing story about Operation Kindness, and that's going to be in the paper on Friday. And I have nothing due tomorrow at school! But two projects are due next week. And it never stops! And it's just going to keep getting worse, because this is just college and wait until I get into the "real world" where I never get off work and I don't get paid for shit and I hate my job and I'm living with BB and my dad isn't paying for anything anymore. Yeah, just wait for that. Please, for god sakes, if you read this whole thing, I want to know. Sign my guestbook! Please! I'm gonna go cry now. 10:41 p.m. - April 17, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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