mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me and Angel Boy's porn experience, plus psychology Buhhh! Tomorrow night is the VMA's and I am unnaturally excited about this. All the message boards are talking about an Axl appearance, and that just makes me all giggly. I want that to happen so bad! You just don't understand this, people! ***** I just wanted to add another entry today because I was thinking about it, and I don't think I've ever told you folks about the last time I saw Angel Boy. This is a funny story, so stick with me here, people. So, it was January of 2000. I had my own apartment, and it was pretty groovin. For some reason, Angel Boy had called me out of the blue a few weeks earlier and had asked to see me. We went to our old movie theater and saw Play it to the Bone, where a big giant mountain of sexual tension came to visit. Yes, I was with BB at the time, but as I've said before, we have an uncomitted relationship. So, technically, I could have done whatever I wanted with Angel Boy and it would have been fine, but that's not the way my conscience works. Anyway! After our big movie date, all I could think about all week was him, and how far I wanted to take this, and blah blah blah. Well, we decide to get together again, and we don't really have a plan, he's just going to pick me up. So he picks me up at my mom's house in his red Camaro, and we just drive around for a while. At some point, he actually asks, "Hey, can I go see your apartment?" Or something to that effect. I was like, "Ummm, okay.." I would have gone anywhere with him. To actually be anywhere with Angel Boy is kinda like seeing Axl in person.. it's totally surreal because I've built him up so much in my mind. So we get to my apartment, and I get him a coke, and he sits on my sofa. He suggests watching a movie, and I say okay, and I show him all the movies I have. One of the movies was Clueless, a movie we saw together at the theater and one he seemed to have a particular memorable experience at, because he said, "Hey, we saw that together, right?" It was strange that he remembered that.. I thought only chicks had a memory like that! Anyway.. I think he remembered it for the same reason I do.. it was the first time I dared to reach over and touch the package. *GASP* So I keep going through my movie collection and he inevitably sees the porn that I had stockpiled. (Hey, I lived alone, with a vibrator.. what's a girl to do!)He kinda giggles and says "Hey! Let's watch that!" So, we watch the entire porn movie! It was this french movie that was really kinda good, and well.. it doesn't matter what it is, it's going to turn me on. That's why I sat in my chair by the computer instead of sitting on the couch next to him. It seems like he had something all planned out with all this strategic driving to my apartment and watching porn thing, but nothing happened. Not even a make out session. Maybe he wanted me to make the first move because he was always shy like that. Now that I think about it, when we used to date I usually intitiated everything, even the first kiss. It was during the friggin movie French Kiss! And then Meg Ryan is talking about the perfect kiss, and you would have thought he would have taken the hint, but noooo. So I had to whisper to him later, "Can we kiss now?" Or something to that affect. But that's not the point. The point is, I think about that night a lot. It was the last time we saw each other. If I had been sitting on the couch with him, what would have happened? I'll tell you this.. porn turns me on. I can't help it, I'm deviant like that. My brother found my parent's stash of porn and his friends and I would watch it when they were gone. I was like.. 9 years old when I first started watching it. Sick, I know, but that's not the point. I was turned on, and given the fact that I have always reserved a huge chunk of my heart, mind, and body for him, one dorky guy I met when I was 15, I would have dragged him back to my bed so fast you wouldn't even have time to say "slut!" But that's only if he made the move. I wasn't about to. I sometimes wish I would have made a move. Like I said, I think about it a lot. Angel Boy is a figurehead in my life, a very important person in the whole scheme of things. But the whole internal conflict was mainly about sex. I wanted to have it. With him. But I can't do that... I've only had sex with 2 people in my life, first of all, and even though that doesn't sound really important in my decision making process, it really is. If my number suddenly goes from 2 to 3, not only would I have a guilty conscience but I'd feel like I was living a lie with BB. Does that make sense? And also, I promised BB early on that I would never have sex with anyone else while we were together, even with the open relationship thing. Not to mention the fact that I still have a romanticized vision of sex.. I think you should be in love and all that crap. But that wouldn't matter with Angel Boy.. I do love him, in a weird way, and I think it would be liberating to have sex with him. I just can't. And that's always been an internal conflict - how far can I go with him without saying, "Okay, that's all, I can't have sex with you?" And really, that's been the question I've had ever since we started dating when I was 15! Even though back then it was "how far can I go with him before he'll expect more, and if I don't go that far will he break up with me?" Ahh, adolescent love. I miss him. The other day, this dude at the gym kinda looked a little like him, and I wanted to go over to him and just give him a big hug. Weird, I know. I haven't talked to him since Halloween. When I did talk to him, we giggled about our porn watching experience. I want to see him, but in the past couple of years, he's only been in my life when I really need him the most. Like, when BB and I were in College Station, I wasn't really enjoying it all that much due to the fact I had just learned about a week before that about this chick he was days away from dumping me for. I think Angel Boy called me at that time because I needed to know that someone still cared about me. Like I've said, it was destiny that brought us together, and if we belong together, it'll keep us together. That sounds like a bunch of hokey crap, but it's something that I've believed for a really long time now. And damnit, I refuse to think otherwise because that just wouldn't be fun. I'm hungry! Tomorrow I'm going to order pizza and watch the VMA's! And I'm not going to throw it up, thank you very much. Anyway.. I should probaly pursue sleeping at this point. Thank you for listening.. this might not have made any sense to any of you, but I think it almost liberating for me. I got out a lot of stuff that I think about.. a lot. Hell, I even wrote a friggin story about it! *sigh* ***** My eye has started twitching again. ***** My psychology issue has been resolved. I'm now working on some kind of something or other for 3 hours a week to get an hour of credit towards my psychology minor. I don't know exactly what I'm doing, but I don't care. Graduation is a good thing. I got my graduation application yesterday.. I am quite excited about this, yes I am! ***** Good night! Or morning. Or your mom. 12:25 a.m. - August 29, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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