mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- choices We make choices in our lives all the time, and sometimes these choices affect your life forever, and sometimes these choices are wrong. Sometimes they're right, but since you chose it and don't know the outcome of whatever it is you didn't choose, then you don't know it was right. Sometimes you revisit these choices and wonder what would have happened if you chose something else. What the hell am I talking about? Well, today I went to drive around the college I went to my freshman year. It's a prestigous, expensive school, and I felt honored to be accepted. My dad also went to this school, and a few other people in my family. He was even the president of his frat there. My mom and dad even got married at the church on campus. When I first got there, I was excited, and happy that I got accepted, and all that stuff. I was making my dad happy, and that was important to me. But soon, I realized that this place wasn't were I belonged. I had trouble making friends, my roommate didn't like me, the classes were hard (well, not really, but I guess I was just unprepared for how much work I need to do in college), and it just sucked. I was depressed, and I was confused. I should have liked it. It was all students from somewhat wealthy families who drove nice cars and wore nice clothes and made good grades. Well, I grew up in a somewhat wealthy enviornment, but I couldn't connect with these people. I didn't share the same things they thought were important. I just didn't get it. This is my big problem today, really. I'm stuck in the middle. I look around and see big houses and BMWs and Mercedes and nice restaurants, the kind of life that I basically grew up in, and I want it. Bad. But then I wonder if all of that is really worth it, and I wonder if I could be really happy just driving a Ford Escort instead of a BMW. But these people, most of them, got all these things by working hard. I don't work hard, and I never have, and I'm so fucking lazy, and it's so frustrating. I want big things for me and the family I'll eventually have, but I don't want to work for them, and I feel like someday I'll be bitter that I don't have the big things that I grew up around. BB didn't grow up around these thing. He lived in a trailer for the first 20 years of his life. We grew up in two very different ways. He learned how to depend on only himself, and he takes care of things, and while he does have a problem with lazyness, he finds a way to pay the bills. He has a nice house that he's renting with a roommate, and 2 10 year old cars that aren't very reliable. I live in a dorm that my dad pays for. I drive a Toyota Rav 4 that my dad pays for, and even told me I can't go more than 10000 miles a year in because someday we'll have to turn it in, that I've put almost 5000 miles on in the last 2 months. I have $1500 in debt, even though I really have everything paid for, because I thought it was cool that in 1999, I got 2 credit cards and I thought it was free money. I don't have a job, and when my dad tells me to get one, I get a half assed job that pays 2 dollars a day and lasts 15 minutes. I am lazy, and I half ass everything I do, I've never really worked hard, and I still expect big things. All this from going to visit the campus of my old school. It was Move In Day, and it just brought me back to when I moved in, 3 years ago, to Mary Hay Hall, promising myself that I'd make myself known here, that I wouldn't be quiet, that people would respect me and want to be my friend. My roommate moved out after one semester. I spent the next semester in a dorm room by myself, ordering pizza 3 days a week, talking to nobody. I escaped that school with a 1.9 GPA. When I decided to leave and go to UNT, no one called me, no one said goodbye, and no one noticed. Maybe my old roommate, after sipping some wine coolers and taking a drag off her ciggarete, has said "I wonder what happened to her. She was okay." Maybe not. Sometimes I think I should have stayed, sucked it up and learned how to deal with it. But really, I'm glad I chose to come to UNT, because the people are more like me, not out to impress people, really. My other school was 90% greek, and at UNT, it's almost an afterthought. I used to walk down the street at my other school and wish like a sonofabitch that I could be in a sorority, but I'd shake my head, because I knew I wasn't the type and never would be. As ShadesofRed said about me in her profile, I feel like apologizing for going off on such a rant and sounding like a total snob. But I'll control myself and shut up. I saw Made today. It was good, but I wanted to slap Vince Vaughan and make him shut the hell up. He was really annoying. The icky hot weather is back, and it's once again August in Texas. The break was nice, but all good things must come to an end. I'm going to eat Recess Peanut Butter Cups now. 4:24 p.m. - 2001-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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