mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bad feelings in the land of fathers, fat, and boyfriends. I am depressed today. I am happy because I won the Kentucky Derby! I told everyone before it started, "War Emblem. He's gonna kick some ass." They didn't believe me, but they should have, cuz he won! But I didn't get any money cuz we didn't bet on it. Bastards. I am also happy because I got to spend a considerable amount of time with my puppies today, and that always makes me happy. However, I am still depressed. I had to hang out with my dad today, and he just stopped smoking, so it was a real barrel of laughs. Not really. Within five minutes of there, he made me drop into a puddle of mushy, teary, angry, goo. Depressing goo that made me cry and cry and then go into the bathroom and cry for about 5 minutes more, making everyone stand outside waiting for my ass. He's just such an asshole. He really is. Sometimes I really can't stand him, and I start wondering how I can stand his wrath, and start wishing I could get myself out of it. That, however, is doubtful. My dad has all the money. My dad pays all my bills. And, according to him, that makes him God. And that drives me crazy. Part of the reason I didn't want to go on this road trip is because I knew my dad would be asking questions and dissaproving and doing all kinds of shit. I can say to my mom, "Mom, BB and I are going on a road trip. We're going to Canada and California and Las Vegas. It's going to be fun." And she'll say, "Okay, have fun, be careful." My dad would say, "How long will you be gone, when are you coming back, why are you taking your car, are you going with anyone else, don't go to Canada, why are you taking me for granted like this? Now, I admit. I do take people for granted sometimes. I take my dad for granted because he ALWAYS lets me. I'll spend too much on my credit card, he'll call me and yell at me, then I'll start talking about Charlie and he'll forget he was even talking to me about it. So, month after month, I spend too much money. Same with BB. He lets me get away with things and then gets mad when I keep doing them. Well, if I get away with it, I'm going to keep doing it. Yes, I'm an ungrateful bitchy snob, but nobody ever calls me on that, and when they do they get over it so quickly that there is no repercussions. It's all a very strange cycle. My dad sucks. He's generous and he provides for the people he loves, he's smart and he's business savy, but he treats people like shit, and that sucks. I love my mom, though. She rules. And I think I found out today that I eat out of emotionalness. My stomach is a bottomless pit today... I can't seem to eat enough. And that's bad. I can't stop eating, it all tastes so good and it fills me up and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm so dependent on food that I'm never going to be able to get rid of this dependence and I'm going to die because I'm 450 pounds of Quarter Pounders with cheese. My mom used to say "You are what you eat," and she's fucking right. She's so right. I eat like crap, I feel like crap, I live like crap. I don't want to huff and puff up the stairs anymore. I don't want to feel my knees buckle every now and then because they have to support so much weight. I want my clothes to fit. I want so much for myself, and it's so hard to obtain. And now BB is mad at me because I told my parents about his friggin diet and he didn't want anyone to know about it so they'd be surprised. And I'm at his house and I don't want to leave but I may have to because he's mad and I can't deal with mad right now. I'm tired and I have a sunburn and I'm fat and I can't help myself. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it has to be something, because this is bad. Thank you and have a nice day. 8:52 p.m. - May 04, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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