mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, yeah, Bitter Mcchesty, that's me. If you haven't already, read about my new layout here. *burp* BB and I are just kinda hanging out right now. He's like, "So, what are we gonna do today? Think of something!" And so I rattled off like 15 things.. "we can go see a movie, we can go play bingo, we can go see Charlie, we can go to the rodeo, I can give you a back rub, we can.. blah blah blah" and he just didn't want to do anything! So how can I suggest something when he doesn't like any of my friggin suggestions? Anyway. This entry is about bitterness. I am a bitter woman, you see, and I figured if maybe I wrote down all the reasons why I'm bitter, they can all escape from my body and I won't be bitter anymore. Right? Right? So, here for you today is a comprehensive list of my bitterness. It'll sound like whining, it'll sound bitchy, and it will make me look like the snob I truly am. Isn't that exciting? I think it is. 1. That I was born with something called ptosis and that has affected me my whole life. I've had surgery twice, but it still makes it hard for me to look at people straight in the eye, and it makes me more suspicious of people, such as the Subway guy. 2. I love my mom, but the one thing I hate about her is the fact that she was hard on me and my weight ever since I was like.. 8 years old. I was a pretty decent looking teenager but she always told me I needed to lose weight. Instead of enjoying how I looked when I was a teenager, I always thought I had to lose weight to look attractive. Therefore, I've never felt attractive, and that just sucks. 3. My dad loved me and took care of me and still does, but you know.. I have daddy issues. Why does he have to be such an asshole all the time? I should be able to talk to him about my problems instead of fearing talking to him about certain things. 4. I dislike having poly cystic ovaries and hypothyroid! I mean, how much of a freak of nature can someone be? I hate having hair on my face and all over the place, I hate having to take pills to have my period, I hate having weight issues, and all that kind of thing. Bah. 5. I hate having weight issues! I eat less than 1200 calories a day, usually I don't eat past 4 pm, I work out everyday.. why have I only lost 14 pounds since May? It's really starting to frustrate and depress me.. I can't lose the weight. I just can't. And I want to so bad.. soon I'll just have to start eating salads and that's all. Bah. 6. I hate the fact that I've lost almost everyone that's ever been important to me. Well, that's not true, and even if it was, it was my fault. But lordy, what I wouldn't give to hang out with Elementary School Best Friend again. What I wouldn't give to make my relationship with Old Friend better, because right now, in the 2 times we've hung out in the past 5 years, we don't trust each other. We don't really like each other. And that's not a good basis for a friendship. And it is my fault. I shouldn't be afraid of picking up a phone to call people. I shouldn't be so antisocial. I shouldn't depend on myself for my sole entertainment. It's not fair to me or my friends. It just sucks. 7. I hate the fact that I have wasted about 90% of my 4 years in college. I'm lazy, I depended too much on BB (even thought he encouraged it almost.. by acting like I hurt his feelings when I asked if I could do something with friends on Fridays.. but he also wanted me to have friends, and he encouraged me to hang out wit them whenever possible, just not on Fridays), I waste my life away on the computer, waiting for people to sign my guestbook like it's my fucking life blood or something. I could have made something out of my college years. I could have worked hard, done something good for myself, made good grades, made a lot of friends. But I didn't. And for the rest of my life, I will know that I pissed my college days away, and I will always hate myself for that. 8. I'm bitter that BB is bored that he just went into the bathroom to bounce a tennis ball around. 9. I'm bitter that I didn't start playing basketball at a young age and I probably missed out on something I could have really been good at it and liked alot. That's dorky, but I really do wish I would have played basketball. 10. I'm bitter that I'm never going to meet Axl Rose! Gahhh. I'll also never meet Tom Hanks, Sebastian Bach, Mike Myers, Tommy Lee Jones, Russell Crowe, Slash, or Steven Tyler. And even if I do meet them, they won't give a flying fuck about me. 11. I'm bitter about Angel Boy. I'm not sure in what context I'm bitter about him in, but I should have done more. Or maybe I should have done less. There's just something I did wrong in that situation, and someday I'll figure it out. 12. BB. Lately I've become almost completely sure that he is who I want to marry and have kids with, but I feel like I met him too early in life. I was 17, about to turn 18, and now here I am, 22 years old, not knowing the ups and downs of dating in college, having a relationship with someone who lives 45 minutes away and never comes to visit me. But that's okay. Really. 13. People want me to change. I'm rebellious even subconsciously, and this subconscious rebelliousness won't allow me to change for some reason. Friggin subconscious. 14. I'm bitter at skinny people who make good grades. What's up with that? Do you really have to be that perfect? 15. I'm bitter at people who have nice cars. I want a nice car, and I want to earn it, not have my dad buy it for me. But who the hell works on a newspaper and still can afford a Mercedes? Except like.. Roger Ebert? 16. I'm bitter about Psycho Boy. I let him take advantage of me, use me, abuse me, and wound me. And I let him. And he never got sufficient revenge for that. I hope he finds it hard to sleep at night because he's such a fucking prick, but I doubt that. I bet he sleeps just fine. 17. I'm bitter at life in general. I hate watching the news these days becuase it's just too depressing. I hate the fact that society is breeding kids who hate their bodies because of what the media portrays, and it's breeding boys to be sex starved lunatics and girls to think that they should make the boys like them by starving themselves so that the boys will want to have sex with them. I hate corporations taking over the world, I hate HMO's, I hate stupid people who abandon their kids and dogs in hot cars while they go shopping for another Gucci purse.. anyway. 18. I'm bitter that Andrew hasn't answered my email that I sent him two weeks ago. I mean, come on, you have a business to run here! I'm a paying customer, damnit! 19. I'm bitter that I can't eat Sonic and Taco Cabana and cupcakes and candy and movie popcorn because I'm fat and it seems like I'm always going to be fat. 20. I'm bitter because I can't find a legitamate 20th reason to be bitter. So yeah. That's a lot of bitterness. Tomorrow or later tonight I'm going to do a list of things I'm not bitter about. That's a novel idea, isn't it? Bye bye. 2:04 p.m. - July 26, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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