mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Never again.. never again. This is not a good day. I know you're tired of hearing about it, and I know what I'm about to say is a bunch of cliches that are really lame and shit, but I just don't care anymore. I have never felt so completely abandoned in my life. I have never felt so isolated.. or alone.. or pathetic.. or.. just a big mixture of anger, sadness, and frustration. We were together for FIVE YEARS. That's 4 years and 4 months longer than any of my other relationships. Now he's just like "I have to find myself..." and I know I should support that, but I can't. He's been a part of me for so long. I just don't understand how he can just completely cut me off with no problem. I realize he's dealing with his emotional issues in a different way. He's not crying. He's doing other things to figure it all out. But I don't realize how he can just cut it off. Just say "That's the way the cookie crumbles." That was an actual quote from our conversation today. "That's the way the cookie crumbles." I don't get it. All I know is that someday, when I finally move on with my life, I will never let someone make me feel this way again. I will never wrap myself up so completely in anyone else that when it's over, I realize that I have nothing left. I gave myself over to this person so much that I have nothing left. I realize that I sound more like a 16-year-old than a 23 year old who's about to graduate from college, but that's where I am. I'm sitting here, crying so hard that I might as well be choking on my tears, all because the person that I've loved for so long has just totally given up. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem right. And I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I know I just need to hold on.. this week will be a short one, just Monday and Tuesday, and then Thanksgiving, and then one more full week before finals. Then graduation, then I go to Austin for a few days to find a place to live, then I go to the GNR concert, and then there's 2 weeks where nothing good can possibly happen. Christmas, yay. Presents that I can't share with anyone. Then New Years Eve. What in THE HELL am I going to do on New Years Eve? Ever since 1997, when I had to work at the movie theater and then I came to BB's trailer 20 minutes before the new year, I've spent it with him. 2 years in a row we went to Vegas. Last year we went to the GNR concert. He participated in one of the greatest nights of my life with me last year. What am I going to do this year? What am I going to do now? I don't know how to deal with these feelings. When we've had fights before, at least I knew he'd get over it in a day or two. Now I know he's not getting over it, and I'm leaving soon, and there's no way to avoid that. What am I supposed to do with myself? I just.. I just can't comprehend this. It just hurts way too fucking bad. Anyway.. I might now write in here for a few days. The mundane tasks of my pathetic life don't seem to really have any meaning to me right now, and all I can see for myself is weeks and weeks of depression and sadness and anger and frustration and a whole lot of crying. I know I'm not the only one who's ever been through this. I'm not the only person who's ever had someone abandon her, I'm aware of that. But can't I be allowed to be sad? I'm never going to let myself feel this way again. It hurts too much. 2:38 p.m. - Sunday, Nov. 24, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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