mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks, and other musings about relationships in general Man, thanks to all of you guys. Seriously, yall are just the coolest people ever. You certainly made me feel better. It's just that the weekends really suck. A lot. I can go all week when I'm at school thinking "Ohh I'm fine, I don't need him, I'm empowered! I am woman!" And then the weekend comes and I'm like.. "Why won't he just ASK ME TO COME OVER?! Why does he NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE?!" And then I cry and cry and cry and I message him with crap like that, he gets mad at me, I get mad at him, and that doesn't help. It's not a fun cycle. I just really made him a part of me. Is it possible to be together for so long and not be a part of someone else? Like, when I looked in the mirror at night when I was brushing my teeth or whatever, I would think to myself that it was all going to be okay because he was there. Because he has my back. I would look in the mirror and not only see myself, but I'd see him too. He was like.. my shadow. Always there, even if he wasn't. And while that might be cute and romantic and shit, it's not healthy. I can't give myself up for him. I would have gone through my life content as can be that way if he hadn't have pulled this "I'm owning my emotions" BS on me. He even said it himself yesterday.. "I want to be a part of someone's life, not their whole life." And while I can hate him and think that he ruined my life, he's right. He's totally right. So I am thankful to him for showing me the error of my ways. But I'm not too happy about it at this moment. I don't know if he still thinks this is a "break" and not a break-up. But if he thinks that I'm going to come running back once he thinks he has his shit together.. I don't know. Once I realize that I can be my own seperate entity without him by my side, there's not much hope for this relationship to exist in the future. I wrote a poem today. It probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and it probably sounds a little too 13 year oldish since that was the last time I really wrote poems, but thats okay. I'll share it with you later, I know you can't wait. In other news, I went to church with Crazy Friend last night. I felt like I could use some church, and I was right. It was good stuff. I cried during the praise songs, but I always feel like crying during the songs. There's a part of me that cries out for God, and that's the part of me that always gets emotional during those songs. That sounded lame as all get out, but it's true. True, I say! Crazy Friend kept trying to introduce me to all her 17,000 friends until I finally took her aside and said "Dude, you don't have to introduce me to everyone.. I feel like a big social retard over here!" And I did. I don't like meeting people. It's scary. So she stopped introducing me to people and I felt better about life in general. She really lived up to her name last night, though. She was being a crazy woman. One of her friends even said "Look at you, Ms. Crazy!" Or something like that. Just know that she is aptly named. But anyone who bursts into random song of "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi in the middle of church is okay with me. During a break today, I was talking to my newspaper people. I told them I was going to wind up lonely and alone with 10 dogs, and they were all like, "Aww, no you're not!" I thought it was just lip service, but then one of them wrote me this 2 page letter during class, talking about how concerned she was about me and stuff like that. It was just.. so nice to have people that genuinly care about my feelings. I've depended on BB for long that I forgot there's this thing called "Friends" that will be there for you when you're sad and feeling craptacular. I wiped away a tear or two when I was reading the letter because I was so swept away by the kindness of some people. More people care about me than I thought. I'm going to get through this, even if I don't ever talk to him again. Which would suck because I still have shit at his house! I want my shit, damnit! Anyway. I'm gonna go take a dump and go to class now. The rest of the day will be spent studying statistics, which is always a good thing to do since I have a test tomorrow. ***** What was MyMichele doing a year ago? "Last night I went to see Serendipity. I enjoyed the movie, but it didn't really help my obsession with needing to see Angel Boy. The movie talked about fate, and how if people were meant together, than nothing can keep them apart. I strongly believe that fate brought me and Angel Boy together. I have many reasons to believe that, but the number one reason is because we've found each other at the same place three different times, on accident. I've never done that with anyone else, damnit!" ***** Thank you again for all your kindness. 11:13 a.m. - Monday, Nov. 25, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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