mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get some pride, woman! My god. Ohmygod. I hope this is the most pain I will ever feel over one boy. The boy - the MAN - that I loved so completely for 5 years is in love with someone else. Read about her and my issues here. Because she's been here before. She was the cause of our almost break-up 2 summers ago. And now she's back, he has her all to herself, and I feel like they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, she's going to take his virginity, and I'm going to be a lonely spinster with 5 dogs who nobody will ever love like he did. He used to love me. He used to hold me and kiss me and reassure me that we would be together for such a long time. He held me today. He made me think that there was a glimmer of hope. He made me think that I still had some kind of involvement in his life. But now I'm sitting here talking to him, pretty much begging to see him again so we can ravage each other one more time, and it's just rock bottom. It's raining, there's lightening, I look good, and it would just be so awesome to see him one more time. To spend one more night in his arms. To feel, for one night, how I used to feel: invincible. Like nothing could ever touch me because I had someone and their strength behind me. It was okay that I wasn't strong because he was strong, and he backed me up. But now I have nothing to back me up. I'm out here on my own. And it sucks. Oh my god, it sucks so bad. He held me today. He held me in his arms and stroked my hair and my face and he made me feel like everything is okay when it's not okay. He is in love with someone else. He is 24 years old, and he wants to settle down soon, and he's going to lose his virginity to her and marry her and have children with her! I know I already said that, but it just seems so.. horrifying. I've already messed this thing up beyond comprehension, and I have no pride anymore. I'm begging him. If I could get on my knees and beg him, I so totally would. In my next incarnation of life in Austin, this will not happen again. I will never let a man completely control my heart. It hurts more than I can ever possibly imagine it hurting, and it sucks, and it just.. sucks. Anyway. I'm gonna go cry now. 8:15 p.m. - Monday, Dec. 23, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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