mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOOHOO! A sad state of affairs, yet again. So. BB told me tonight that he's going to Vegas for New Years. I didn't request this information. He just said that there's some things he'd rather not talk about with me, and I merely said "WHY can't you talk about it with me?" I didn't ask "WHAT can't you talk about with me?" But he told me anyway. Maybe to brag, I don't know. This made me so mad that I slowly got up, I walked to the track and I walked 6 laps. Yeah, a mile and a half isn't so impressive, but it is for my fat ass lately. And with each lap that went by, it got a little easier. I was no longer thinking "I'm going to his house, I'm going to slash his tires, I'm going to make him sorry that he ever went out with me in the first place," by the time I got done with my laps. I am calm. I am relaxed. And I am sad. I think I'm going to block him. I think the only reason why I've even bothered to talk to him in the last couple of weeks is so he'd invite me over, but what would that accomplish if he eventually did? It would probably just make me more depressed. There's nothing that I still have over there (ironically, the last time I was there, over a month ago, I thought to myself "This can't be the last time I'm here! I can leave this shirt here, I'll get it next weekend!" Sad when you think about it.) that can't be replaced. *sigh* It's just sad that it ended up this way. This Vegas trip was just supposed to be the 2 of us. He bought a room at the hotel for New Years at the beginning of the summer while I was there. We started talking about how it'll be nice to continue our Vegas tradition. And now he's going. With god only knows who. Probably the FGG. Bastard. Why do things have to end? I mean, really.. I could have been content. I could have been happy with the mediocre existence I lead, probably for the rest of my life. Sure, Austin is going to be an awesome opportunity for me, but if I had to choose between going to Austin or staying here and having things stay the same, right now, at this point, at 9:54 on Monday, December 2nd 2002, I'd say that I'd rather have things stay the same. Of course, I'll probably get out of this stupid funk tomorrow and I'll wonder why I'd even, for one tiny minute, consider staying here instead of going to Austin is a good idea. It's not a good idea. It's a horrible idea. I just wanted to go to Vegas, damnit! ***** A few other notes: The BL called me tonight. I was busy taking a shit so I couldn't make it to the phone, but I probably wouldn't have answered anyway. What could she possibly want to talk about other than the demise of her and my dad's relationship? I am not in a state of mind to give a 35 year old woman with daddy issues advice. I have my own problems. I like her a lot, but she is a bit of a drama queen, and I'm just not in the mood for that. Also, "Always" by Saliva is still an awesome song. I've heard it on the radio twice today and I've just totally rocked out to it. I'm just really feeling it these days. That's my break up anthem right now. Every girl should have one. They're gonna be in Austin on Sunday. Tickets are only $15. Damn exams! Damn them to hell. Speaking of exams, I have one everyday next week. 2 of them are at 8:00 in the morning. Oh dearie. ***** Anyway. I'm sad. But that's what I get for initiating the conversations with him. If I just chilled out and let the game come to me instead, I'm sure things would go much more smoothely. How do people do this? How do people fight the pain when it's threatening to get out of control? I've never had this kind of pain before. I know that sounds dramatic, but I just.. haven't. I feel like a part of me has been cut into and surgically removed. I mean, that's what happened, right? Guh. I'll shut up now. 10:02 p.m. - Monday, Dec. 02, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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