mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shovels and ruts and Oklahoma I am getting fed up with my slackingness, but I don't know how to stop it. I know all the motivations to study and to stop eating so damn much, but I don't do anything about it. I'm skipping class to get a bagel from McDonalds and to watch Beaches and play Scrabble. I used to do things. I used to want to study and do good things and be productive. I can pin it on senioritis, but I really can't. I still have another year to go. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's so frustrating. I can't seem to get off my ass anymore. I want to maybe see a psychiatrist about it or something, but I've been to a few before and they've never been much help. And anyway, I want to figure it out myself. What happened to make me so lazy? What is it that's preventing me from getting off my huge ass? The only thing that's better about this year than other years is the fact that I actually have friends. But when I didn't have friends, I made good grades. BB is frustrated because I can't get it all together. He wants me to have friends and make good grades and all the other things at the same time, not just one at a time. Imagine that! And this Angel Boy thing has really been on my mind alot lately. I told Dorkus Boy last night that I don't want to regret not doing something, but I don't want to regret doing something, either. I feel drawn to him, and I feel like we belong together in some wierd cosmic way, but that and $1.99 will get me an Ultimate Cheeseburger, as BB likes to say. I feel so helpless against everything, like things are happening and the world is moving and people are doing things without me, and for some reason I can't get it together. I didn't used to feel like this. It's not fun. I don't think I'm depressed. I've been rather depressed before and this doesn't feel like that. It feels more like.. a rut. A rut that I've gotten myself into, and I can't find the shovel to dig myself out. And I'm not even looking for the shovel. Where is that fucking shovel? I don't know when I'll write in here again, because I'm going to Oklahoma with my girly friends this weekend, which I'm really looking forward to. I should have alot of fun with them. Sorry for the depressing entry, but that's pretty much all I'm thinking about today. 10:40 a.m. - November 15, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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