mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My third entry today.. muahahaha. Yeah, this is my 3rd entry for the day. I'm not going to apologize for that, though. From now on, there might be tons of pages of me sobbing over what is happening, and you'll all have to deal with that. I considered in writing in here, my "depression" diary, but this is my diary, and things are changing, so here we go. I spent an hour at my mom's house, sobbing basically. She told me something that really hit home.. when she got divorced from my dad, when she made that decision.. she kept hoping he would say, "Don't leave.. stay here." But he never did. And now that I'm telling BB I'm going to Austin, he's like.. "Okay, have fun." He doesn't care if I stay. Of course, he's staying that we can still be "best friends" and I can still come home and tell him all about my day when I get back, but he's not exactly saying stay here and we'll figure things out together. That hurts. But it makes sense. I could choose to live a life of mediocrity and never get out there on my own for a while, or I could get out of here for 6 months or a year and see what I've been missing. I am a mess right now. I'm boring. I've taken lots of trips to a lot of places, but there's only so many stories I can tell my grandkids about that. I'd rather tell them about the time I was a lesbian tattoo artist dominatrix. When they get older, of course. Every Thursday or Friday for the past 4 1/2 years, I'd put my clothes in a bag, look around my room to see if I forgot anything, turn off the light, get in my car and drive to BB's house. We'd get it on a few times, go out to eat a few times, maybe see a movie, maybe go to a football game, maybe both. We'd hardly ever hang out with his friends. We'd never hang out with my friends. We have our patterns, we'd stick to them, and now it has come to this. We're both bored, we have to challenge our existence, and we have to change our lives. I'm cool with that. Its going to suck some ass, but that's cool. Amd just to clarify things, we haven't officially "broken up," not yet, anyway. I might even see him tomorrow night. I won't this weekend, though, because I decided that for some reason, I'm going to participate in my school's homecoming parade on Saturday morning. Fun times, I know. But yeah.. we're still "together." It's weird. Not meant to be understood. Or something. I'm probably going to move to Austin on New Years Day. And we all know what that means.. no Las Vegas road trip. While that dissapoints me, it's okay. Because he was essientially trying to sabotage the trip by inviting the FGG along, anyway. And if GN'R are there on New Years Eve, well, that's just something I'm going to have to miss. I thought BB might freak out about that, but here's what he said: Me: And I really think Vegas is not gonna work out for me. Me: You didn't really want me to go, anyway. BB: I'm not even sure I'm going .. I may have bought a hotel room for nothing.. :) BB: Plus.. I'm sure I'll have massive Lizzie withdrawal by then.. BB: And seeing Vegas might make me sad! Me: Awww. Me: We can just spend New Years Eve together. Me: Having a sex fest. BB: :) *sigh* But I have to do this now. It's the best time. I don't really have any attachments, no jobs or no dogs or anything like that. I've loved Austin forever, and I think I have a good answer for future employers that might ask why they should hire me instead of someone who just graduated from UT: "Because people who go to UT probably take Austin for granted, since they've grown up here and have lived here for a long time. Since I'm a newcomer, and I've been obsessed with it for so long, I can find different things that people who live here may not think to find. I have a fascination with Austin that the natives might appreciate." Or something. Sorry, I'm just trying to psych myself into this. Whether I like it or not, my life is about to change drastically, and that's a good thing. It's just different.. and hard. Bah. 10:08 p.m. - October 29, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||