mymichele's Diaryland Diary
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Yeah, it's Sept. 11, and I have rant just for you! And the Blues.
Hi.
I changed my mind about just repeating last year's entry today. I wanted to say more than that. But some freakin banner is freakin flashing and giving me a freakin heart attack right now! Geez louise.
Ohkay then.
Anyway.. I wanted to write about what I was doing, since that seems to be the thing to do.
I woke up around 8 or 8:30 since I had a class at 9:30. Unlike most people who heard about the plane hitting the first tower on the radio or TV, I, being the computer dork that I am, saw it on AOL as I was checking my email. I looked at it in disbelief, and as I usually do in this kind of situation, I thought to myself, "Well, that can't be that bad, can it? I bet it's just a little ding, nothing too horrible." Yeah. I was wrong.
The rest of the day, of course, was totally unbelivable. I hooked up with Crazy Friend and we spent most of the day together. We ate mexican food and watched the TV at the restaurant in disbelief, like everyone else was. We went to Diet Friend's house and we all huddled together and prayed and just tried to make it through this thing together.
I then went to my mommy's, because I just couldn't handle this without her. The next week after that was really hard, as it was for everyone else. I was dealing with the fact that even though it didn't affect me directly, I was still very depressed, and then I felt guilty that I was depressed. I felt this for a really long time, and I guess I still do. Am I allowed to feel bad? No, I wasn't exactly patriotic before it happend, and yes, I did put a big giant God Bless America sticker on my car right after it happened. Does that make me a hypocrite? I didn't think it did until everyone started getting on to the whole "Why weren't you patriotic before 9-11" bandwagon.
I'll tell you why I wasn't. Because I took for granted the fact that I live in this country. I was born here, the only time I've been out of America is when I went to Canada for like.. 3 days and Tijuana for a few hours. I don't know what it's like to live in another country. I don't know what it's like to not have freedom, to not be able to do what the hell it is you want to do.
After 9-11, it became clear to me that I took these freedoms for granted. I did become more patriotic. I had an American Flag shirt before it happened, but after it happened, I wore it proudly. I did this because I was moved by the way we all acted on this day. I know it was only for a week or two and then we all went back to being murderous freaks, but that week or two was really nice. I felt like we all bonded as a country, we all cared about each other, and that made me feel more patriotic. I should not have to feel guilty for grieving about something that happened to my country and the people that live here. It still makes me cry, it really does. There was a special on MTV last week that made me cry the whole time it was on. I just feel so weak about the whole thing sometimes.
I didn't mean to rant like that, but feeling guilty is not the feeling I want to have at a time like this. I did jump on the bandwagon, I guess, but it wasn't to be cool or to impress anyone.
I was going to post my entry from last year, but I decided not to. Because I don't want to bog you down in Sep. 11 misery. That's the media's job.
*****
Other things not related at all the Sept. 11 -
I want to thank you guys for all the positive support you've given me in the past couple of weeks. I know I haven't really said thanks yet, but you've made me feel so much better. Lots of you were apparently happy that I didn't take a week off, and that makes me feel wanted. I'm glad I stopped getting reviews.. they were just making me feel poopy.
So thanks.. you guys rock.
Soo.. I revised my story tonight and I would lovvveee if some of you could go read it! It's not that long! Just 15 pages and 6,500 words! I know it's asking a lot, but pleeasssee go read it and comment on it.. I really could use the critiques. I want to know what you guys think, and tell me how I can make it better. I changed the layout too, because this particular story wasn't really feeling the whole flowery layout. Okay? Okay. Thank you.
Axl picture of the day:
Here's a GN'R song that I'm newly obsessed with.. seriously, I listen to this song like 20 times a day. It's a new one called "The Blues" and it's just really achingly pretty. I've only heard one live version of it, but yeah. I'll shut up now.
All the love in the world couldn't save you
All the innocence inside
You know, I tried so hard to make you
To make you change your mind
And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
No, I didn't want to be you
Now I've met the Hell I can't describe
So now I wander through my brain
Try to find my way
Next to the feelings that I felt
I should've for you and no one else
And now as long as this one's due
I know it's gone
But still I bruise
And that's not sandals on my feet
The taste that's bittersweet
That's called the blues
I don't know just what I should do
When everywhere I go, I see you
And though it's not what we planned, this much is true, oh oh
What I thought was beautiful don't live inside of you anymore
I don't know just what I should do
When everywhere I go, I see you
And though it's not what we planned, this much is true, oh oh
What I thought was beautiful don't live inside of you anymore
What this means to me is more than I know you believe
What I thought was you, no, the stars won't let me choose
What I thought was true before, now, I'm not gonna see
What I thought was beautiful is only memories
*****
I'm going to bed now, since I have a class at 9 AM and everything. That would be like.. a good idea.
12:21 a.m. - September 11, 2002
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