mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The one where I'm realizing it's not a good thing to hang out with your ex-boyfriend. I am such a liar, I really am. I lied to my dad and the BL about what I was doing tonight. I was considering lying to Crazy Friend about New Years, so I could hang out with BB instead of her. I lied to BB when I said I was capable of handling to my emotions, I lied to you guys when I said I could handle seeing him, and most of all I lied to myself about everything. I told myself that I could see him and that I could even handle him talking about his new girlfriend, which not even he is comfortable with doing. I lie to myself, thinking that I want him to be happy with her, but I don't. He tells me that she broke up with the boyfriend she's been with for 10 years once she heard that he was single again, and I tell another lie to myself. I lie to myself about not wanting to pray to everything there is to pray to that she will miss her ex-boyfriend so much that she breaks up with him and hurts him like he hurt me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to realize that he's missing out on nookie and that's really important to him. I'd be lying if I said I wanted him to be so happy that he marries this chick and has lots of kids with her. I want this relationship to go down in flames. I'm sorry, but that's the way I am. I lied to myself when I told myself I wasn't going to cry anymore. I lied to myself when I said I thought it was good that we could be friends now. It was good, but we can't. We can talk online, maybe, but I can't handle seeing him. I know that. I lied to myself when I said that I could handle being with him, that things have changed. The only thing that has changed is the setting. Otherwise, all I was doing today was trying to find ways to get him to finally say, "Fuck it, I want to cheat on my girlfriend with you, let's go home and have dirty nookie all night." And seriously, would nookie even be what I want? After it was all said and done, and I put my clothes back on and went back home, would I really be that proud of myself? If we had dirty monkey nookie all night long, what would I have accomplished? I would have made him cheat on this new girl. He's starting a new life for himself and he's trying to have a nice and seedy-free relationship, and I don't respect that. Plus, I would have messed around with someone who still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me anymore. That probably wouldn't make me the happiest I've ever been in my life, to tell you the truth. I'd probably feel ashamed, and I'd probably be even more depressed. I'm already ashamed. Until this week, I never knew how scheming I could try to be. I never knew how being denied of nookie could piss me off so much. Today we went out to eat, we went to an arcade, and then we had ice cream. It was so much like our normal turn of events that it just felt like we should go home and do what we normally used to do. But we didn't. We still had the problem of not having anything else to do, and he still has a girlfriend, and I lie to myself when I think that I can handle it. I can't handle it. HE HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND! And he refuses to cheat on her with ME, the person that he loved for 5 YEARS. I was so proud of myself for not crying since Christmas Eve, but that record is out the window now. After he dropped me off at my car, I just sat there and cried for 5 minutes. I'm not used to him rejecting me like that, and it hurts. Oh my god, it hurts so much. I'm not ready to see him. He mentioned that maybe we'd see each other again before I left (his girlfriend comes back the same day I leave.. funny, eh?) but I don't think that's a good idea. I even went so far as to suggest us going to Vegas on the 31st and coming back on the 1st, since he still has that hotel room booked. He said, "if we did that, it would be kinda hard not to get it on.." and I knew he was right. I knew I was tempting him into something that he would later regret, and that's just so crappy of me. I mean, would I want my boyfriend to cheat on me with his ex girlfriend in Vegas? No, it would tear me apart, even if we had just been dating for a few weeks. I cut myself on Christmas Eve, just like a 16 year old who got rejected in the same way. I took a paper clip and made myself bleed. BB saw that and he asked about it, and then it almost made him cry when I told him why I did it. He blamed himself. He thought he shouldn't have told me about his new girlfriend, and that if he didn't tell me, I wouldn't have done it. And while that's probably true, I just don't think he should blame himself for it. Christmas Eve was one of the worst days of my whole life. I literally could not stand myself or anything else. If I was the suicidal type, that would have been the day to do it. I just lied, you know? And I can't afford to lie to myself anymore. I can't just decide that since I've graduated and sustained a 2 month break from a 5 year relationship, I can suddenly handle the rejection that I feel when I see him. I can't handle it. And I shouldn't beat myself up over it.. 2 months isn't a long time. I shouldn't have to be over it yet. I shouldn't have to assure myself that my feelings are wrong. I just love him so much. When I was going through my weird Dorkus Boy thing, we went to see a movie and I was just totally yearning for him. I wanted him to like read my mind and just kiss me or something. And I thought to myself, if it's that bad with him, wouldn't it be 1,000 times worse with BB? And yes, it was. It was 1,000,000 times worse. I've always wanted what I can't have, and it just fucking hurts. What hurts the most is that he says he "just can't" cheat on his girlfriend, but he never said that when we were dating. If he could get a blowjob from someone else, he was there. And now he won't even do anything with me. Not even kiss me. Why couldn't I have been the girlfriend that he couldn't cheat on? We are talking now, and he feels terrible. He's blaming himself for thinking that 2 months would be enough to solve all our problems. It's nice to know that he's looking out for me, but it just sucks. You know? It just fucking sucks that we can't be together. I wish he would move to Austin with me or something. And to make matters worse, I just looked up my apartment online and it looks like people just hate it. I was looking forward to that place, but I don't know anymore.. it looks a little scary now. But that's not the point. I guess I don't have a point. I guess I should end this before I start typing forever. I miss him. I've seen him 3 times this week, and each time I felt the most unbearable yearning for him that I've never had the chance to feel before. It's a crappy feeling, to want someone so bad and know that no matter what, you can't have them. Even if they broke up, I'd be in Austin. I want to explore Austin, I want new friendships and new relationships. And if I was tied down to him, could I ever really grow? I don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm moving on Thursday, and Thursday just can't get here fast enough. 8:15 p.m. - Saturday, Dec. 28, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||