mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scared. I am so scared of going to Austin. I'm leaving in 3 days, and I'm terrified. Everyone expects so much out of me, even I do. I expect to go there, get a job, make tons of friends, find a boy to have a nice rebound relationship with. Everyone expects me to turn my life around in the next 7 months, and I just have one question: How in the fuck do I do that? I know it's baby steps. I know I can't expect everything to come my way all at once. But I have to do drastic things while I'm there, probably things I never considered doing here. I have to take risks and have self control and willpower, and I have to overcome all the feelings that have brought me to this point in my life. For 4 1/2 years of college, I didn't play by the normal social rules. I didn't think they applied to me. That whole "first day of college and nobody knows each other so lets all get together and have a big bonding fest" thing never made any sense to me, and I never participated. I had a boyfriend, he was the only friend, the only source of support, the only strength that I needed. For some reason, I never counted on him not being there anymore. He was such a huge part of my life that there just wasn't any doubt he'd always be in it. Now he's gone. We can still talk, still see each other from time to time, but he's gone. When I go to Austin on the 2nd, he will be greeting his new girfriend back with open arms from whatever trip she has been on for 2 weeks. I will be alone in my new apartment, all alone. My brother is leaving for a trip that day and can only come over for an hour or two. My mom is coming the next day to help me unpack, but that's the next day. I will be so utterly alone, alone with the thoughts that have taken over my mind so completely lately. Thoughts like "She's back, is she going to spend the night, are they going to go out with his friends, are they going to kiss and be passionate with each other, is he going to hold her and whisper in her ear about how much he missed her? Are they going to talk about how he saw me while she was gone and how badly I wanted to get in his pants and how he's so special because he said no?" They've already talked about what they're going to name their kids. It's been a month and they're talking about that already. My mom said last night that after most people get out of 5 year relationships and they don't get married, they usually get married to someone else within.. a few months. And I could totally see that happening here. He loves her, I know that. And she apparently loves him, too. And he's almost 25 and he's wanted a family for quite some time now. He said the other day that if I grew and all that shit, there's a huge chance that we would have another shot together. But I feel like he's just saying that because he knows once I grow sufficiently enough, I won't want him anymore. And now I just got off the phone with a dude I haven't talked to for 4 years who also just got out of a 5 year relationship, but he lived with her and they were engaged and now she's pregnant with her boss's baby. I can't even imagine the choices he's going to have to make now. ANd even that.. even the fact that millions of people are going through the same thing I am, and even much worse things, doesn't make me feel better. I was half a person for 5 years. He was the other half, and now he's gone, and I'm still only half a person, now with nothing left to fill the other half. I just feel so empty. So incapable of going to Austin and making something of myself. I know I'm not looking at it the right way, but I've never been good at letting things go. I've never been good at getting over it. And when I go to Austin in 3 days, I have to. I can't just go there and do the same thing I did here. I have to find a job, friends, romantic interests.. I have to. I HAVE TO! I have no other choice. It's scary. I'm so scared of what's ahead of me, and I'm even more scared to think that it's going to be without him. He's not going to be there. And I'm scared that even though he might be miserable now, soon he's going to get over that. His new relationship will settle into a groove and he'll forget about what we used to have together. Football season will start next year and he'll go to the games with her instead, and she'll probably be more enthusiastic than I ever was and he'll be so happy with her that he'll just forget. And I don't want him to forget, because I know I never will. I've fucked up. I've fucked up majorly and now I'm going out of my own to fix it. I've never been on my own. I am so scared. 9:34 a.m. - Monday, Dec. 30, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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