mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The one where I'm depressed and crap. If you don't like diaries that whine and bitch and moan about depression, you might want to skip this one today. Just go to yesterday's entry and avoid all the whining. A few things before I start rambling on and on about my monthly depression: I would like to thank Quinn for making my links page take a few seconds instead of an hour to load. I can now be a diaryring whore without worry. I have lots of depression type of things today. I remembered my second realization from yesterday, and it's sad. I told BB that "I just wanted to go home" on Monday, because I just didn't want to deal with this roommate thing. But this is my home. My mom sold my real house that I actually lived in before coming to school and moved in with her husband. I don't even have a key to that house. I have a key to my dad's house, but he lives in Dallas, and it's not a house, really, just a place for him to come back to at night until he fixes the farm back up. So this, this one room dorm, so small that I had to put my bookcase in the closet, is my home. That just really made me sad there for a while. And there's nothing like seeing yourself on the big screen to realize how fat you really are. On Friday, at our retreat, we made a video of us just making fun of each other and such, and we watched it last night. I think I'm in denial. Well, I know I'm in denial. I refuse to think that being fat is a problem. I refuse to think that people think less of me from the way I look. I refuse to think that I'm actually fat at all, that I'm just merely a bit overweight. But once I saw this tape, I was shocked. I am FAT. Scary fat. 190 pounds, fat. I used to be 135. That was what I weighed throughout junior high, when I was a reasonable weight. And now I'm 190 pounds. Almost 200. And I refuse to think that that's a problem. My cholesterol is high. I'm getting sick. I don't know what to do. I'm fat. And I keep eating. And I can't stop. And I know that if I didn't have the support of family and friends, if BB just had enough and went away and my mom got tired of supporting me financially and mentally and my friends decided that I was just too needy, I would totally fall apart. I don't really know how to say this aside from the thoughts in my head, but I am not doing anything right now on my own. People have to remind me to do things. People have to nag me. If BB didn't care what I got on my tests or at school, or if my dad didn't pay tuition, I wouldn't give a shit about my grades. I'd never go to class. Nothing I'm doing right now is worth anything in any kind of way. I sit around all day on the computer and eat and sometimes go to class and study right before a test, but that's all. I'm not contributing to society. I'm not working. I'm basically stealing my dad's money to just sit here and watch the world go on around me. I feel like the walls are caving in. I feel like something has to happen, something horrible or something, before I really begin to change. Like.. someone needs to take my car away or my computer away or my radio away. I need something, and I feel so helpless against myself! It's not a pleasant feeling. I can't go home, I can't stop eating, I can't control my thoughts or my feelings, and it's driving me crazy and tearing me apart. I'm so thankful to have the friends and family that I do. BB has told me alot lately that I look beautiful and my friends compliment me on things everytime they see me. But I am not happy with myself, and nor should I be. I have a political science test next Tuesday, and I haven't even opened the book. I'm skipping my psychology class right now, so I don't even know if we have a test next week or not. I'm lazy. I'm disgusting. And I have 25 dollars in my account for the rest of the month. Undoubtedly, I spent most of my money on food. When I have a meal plan that I already paid for. I can't tell BB that I have no money, because he's given me so much money, and I don't want to admit that I don't have any left. So right now I either have to go sell all my books at Half Price Books or go get an Emergency Student Loan. It really disgusts me. I know I'm whining. I'm totally whining, and I'll get over it soon. But I can't stand myself sometimes, I really can't. 12:20 p.m. - October 18, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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