mymichele's diary

mymichele's Diaryland Diary

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Hi, depression, my name is crackwhore.

Welcome to the monthly maniac depression entry.

This might not be too coherant, but at this point, I don't care, I just want to get it out.

I just feel like a big fuck up sometimes. I never leave the newspaper office for the day without feeling like I said something wrong or people think I'm stupid. I lack whatever it is other people have when it comes to socializing and working closely with other people without having them think I'm totally stupid.

I know I'm pissing off my editor. I know next semester, I'll be a horror story he tells the next writer. "There was this girl who never wanted to work weekends because her boyfriend locked her in the basement, and she was always crying because she couldn't do anything right, and she kinda sucked as a writer, too." I don't want that. I want him to think I'm a totally competent writer that can keep my shit together when it gets tough.

I'm so behind on my classes. And it's not because I don't have time. I have plenty of time at night to go to the library and study, but do I do that? No. I don't know why I do these things. I don't know why I'm such a fuckup. Everyone around me is really supportive. Everyone around me are all working hard to get their shit done. My mom goes to work and has a social life and gets her shit done. My dad just had prostate cancer and he's even working hard to get things done.

And even though BB is supportive, he isn't that supportive. If I have to do something on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday he takes it personally. I mean.. this has put me at odds with not only my editor but sometimes my dad and other assorted people. It drives me crazy sometimes. Who's idea was it to have a boyfriend the entire time I've been in college anyway? I just know I'll look back at college and hate the fact that I never really experienced anything. And if I did dump him, which I won't, it'll be too late, since I'm graduating in December anyway.

I just called my editor and told him that I wanted to talk to him about me sucking. He said I don't suck and that I'm cool. I still feel like a dumbass. Tomorrow is his birthday. I will get him a card.

And also.. I don't feel like anyone wants my opinions anyway. I feel like I'm not allowed to break into conversations, like there's never any place for me to add what I have to say. People sometimes look at me like I said the wrong thing or that I interrupted them or something. But if I don't say what I have to say now, then when would it be appropriate to say? It reminds me of the SNL skit when Mike Meyers and Kevin Nealon and Victoria whatserface were talking and Kevin Nealon always had something funny to say, but he'd say it at the wrong time, way after it was appropriate.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm on the fringes of society. Like I'm just standing there staring at everyone else who know what they're doing. Like things have to be explained to me 3 times before I really understand.

The following conversation makes me feel a little better:

BB: I'm going now.

BB: But guess what?

Me: What?

BB: I love you!

BB: And I still think you're beautiful!

Me: I love you too, BBBear!

BB: And I still think you're a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman!

BB: Now it's time to act like it a little more!

BB: Cuz you are one!

Me: Thank you. :)

BB: You really are!