mymichele's Diaryland Diary
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Probably the most depressing and full of shit entry I've ever written.
So, I learned another one of life's lessons today. This weekend is just chock full of them, I tell you.
I learned that in this thing we call life, nobody really knows us. You are the only person who knows what you expect out of a situation, or how you feel about a situation, or how you're going to react in a situation. Basically, we're alone, and even if we have people surrounding us, we have to get through it alone. Because when it all comes together and we have to make a choice, it's only ourselves that can make it.
And then, a few minutes later, I realized I really needed to stop whining and acting like a friggin princess.
All this stemmed from the Carrot cake incident.
I went to the BL's for my birthday festivities of the day, and of all things, they got me a carrot cake! When have I ever, in the whole history of ever, wanted a carrot cake? It just boggled my mind that they had gotten me this cake, and it just occured to me that I spent way too much time dreaming in my head that everyone has to know what I like and everyone must cater to my likes.
So yes, this weekend I learned how truly selfish it is possible to be. I am a selfish person, and I probably will never outgrow this. Wahhh, wahhh, wahhh, wahhh. I mean, BB went to all the trouble of getting this poster of my puppy man, and before he leaves to go get it he tries to warn me that it isn't the greatest gift ever, and I say, "So it isn't a $150 tinting, is that what you're saying?" I was referencing the present I got him for his birthday, and that was just stupid, because back then I had a job and money, and right now he has like $60 in the bank. So that made him feel bad, and I knew I shouldn't have said it the second I said it, and sometimes I just really feel like a horrible person.
I mean, really.. what have I ever done for these people, anyway? I've deprived BB of having a real girlfriend who doesn't fuck simple things up. I've deprived my family of a daughter that they can really be proud of, someone they can show off. I don't deserve what I have. I haven't worked for any of it.
Sorry. I guess I'm just in one of those kinds of moods.
Rarely, but sometimes, for a fragment of a second or two, I think it would just be nice to have it end. Just close the book. End the chapter. Walk out and never come back. Just die and get it over with. I am destined for a life of mediocrity anyway, so why don't I just do it and get it over with and spare everyone my crackwhoreness already? But I never seriously think that. Even if I did, I can't. There's one reason, and one reason only, that would keep me from EVER doing that and that's my mom. She would be devastated. And my mom does not deserve to be devastated, ever.
I know things could be so much worse for me. I mean, I'm about to have a college degree for fuck's sake, things must not be too bad. But I'm just feeling.. blah. Blah blah and more blah. Like.. all these songs I'm hearing on the radio and at Hastings and the Dido CD I listened to today are so depressing. They are affecting me. Like, I heard Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy at Barnes and Noble today. That song affects me. It makes me want to cry and quite possibly overdoes on heroin. I should just stick to listening to GN'R. That's a good plan.
In other news, I got a new digital camera from my dad! It's a really nice one, too. And I got the all important money, as well. I can use money, yes I can. In fact, I went to Hastings tonight and purchased Use Your Illusion 2 because my copy is so scratchy and crappy. I also bought Pink Slip by Rita Ciresi, a book that I have read no less than 10 times in the past 3 years. Good times.
The BL's son was quite cute tonight. When he first saw me, he charged me and gave me the biggest hug ever, and I felt wanted. But he's 3 years old and good god, the boy is so smart! I haven't been around very many 3 year olds in my life, and I seem to think that they must be incapable of speech and that all of them still crawl and have no capacity of doing anything smart. But I am wrong. Because this boy is the smartest human baby I've ever seen. Anyway.
The BL got me some really nice clothes, too. I am excited about that.
*****
Anyway!
I can't get over this. This is the most amazing transformation I've ever seen:
Here's Duff, bassist for GN'R, back in the good old days:
He's kinda hot, right? Well, look at him now:
And that's Duff from this year. He looks.. different. And uh.. not so hot. I know he's close to 40 and everything, but damn! I can't get over this! It's sad to me, people, really.
*****
What a fun entry, eh?
10:12 p.m. - October 13, 2002
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