mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate short descriptions. A year ago today, I was in my car with BB, driving through the mountains of Nevada with a clear blue sky dotted with intense black storm clouds. I kept looking up at the sky and saying, "This is such a beautiful day!" We were listening to George Carlin on my CD player, and talking excitedly (at least I was, anyway) about the upcoming concert that night. After that memorable concert, one of my dreams come true, we slept together in the cold Nevada night, under the stars, because we didn't have a warm hotel to go back to. When we realized it was too cold, we both got back in the car and went back to sleep. It was a memorable day for me, one I will always remember fondly. I got to share my dream with the man that I loved, and at that moment, that was all that mattered. This year will be different. If my friends ever call me back, we'll be spending New Years Eve together. I love them and everything, but given a choice, I would still rather spend it with BB, in his arms. But that's not what the New Year is going to be about this time. Whenever I do a list of things I've accomplished during the year, for the past 5 years I've been able to list the fact that I maintained a relationship with my boyfriend, which isn't that easy. Well, I wasn't able to do that this year. Next year, which starts tomorrow, will be about maintaining a relationship with myself. It will be about finding myself, about finding ways to succeed with what experiences I have cultivated over the years, plus the new experiences I will be making for myself. I have a chance to create a new life for myself, and I'm going to run like hell with this chance. I decided a few things last night after I wrote BB this huge long letter that was probably pretty pointless and unnecessary in the long run. I asked him why he didn't reply and he said there really wasn't anything more to say, and well, he's right. We've talked and talked and talked, and he's right. There is nothing more to say. He deserves to be left alone now. He deserves to have chance with this new girl without me trying to interfere, to get him to tell me everything he's feeling about me. She comes home in 2 days, and he deserves to have a chance with her. As much as I'd like for it to not last, that's not my choice or my decision. The other conclusion I came to was that I have to leave it alone. I can't plan my activities in Austin around coming home to him, because he won't be there. I have to go about my life and if it happens, it'll happen in a way that I probably didn't expect, and if it was meant to be, then it'll be there for when it was supposed to happen, if that makes sense. I am a huge believer in fate, and so if it was meant to be, it'll happen. We'll just have to see, I suppose. But I can't expect it to happen. I can't keep luring him into my little traps, my little hints and suggestions, because he is too smart for that. I was never meant to be manipulative like that. I suck at it. This is going to be hard, but I think the truly hard part is behind me now. The next hard part will be knowing that he has moved on completely, but I honestly don't think that will happen any time soon. He told me, "You'll probably need a year to get over it. I'll probably need two." Which sounds all nice and romantic or some shit, but at least he has someone else. Someone who will be there to hold his hand when he's going through hard times. Someone who loves him and would probably do anything for him. Just like me. If he wanted to see me tonight, I couldn't promise you that I wouldn't ditch my friends and go with him. Sad, but true nonetheless. Anyway. I know you're all getting tired of my sappy and contemplative entries. That's why I'm going to move. I have set up a new place over here. You can follow me if you want to, I would appreciate it if you did. I will be moving most of you over there with me, but some I won't. Some of you I've had on my buddy list since the very beginning and I just haven't had the heart to take you off. It's just too painful to keep writing in this diary, and I'm beginning to see it's a little pointless, too. I have not been able to get past 156 people listing me as a favorite for MONTHS! People keep adding me just as someone else takes me off. I think I'm getting stale. I think now that I don't write much about Eminem or Axl or vibrators I'm just not as interesting. I will have my full "goodbye MyMichele" entry tomorrow or Thursday, so you can look forward to that. One other thing, though, that I want to mention: When we had lunch the other day, I was telling BB about how "Always" was my song and how it got me through the especially bitter times. We giggled about it because it's such an angsty song. Well now I think that song has been ruined for me because a. it's about domestic violence, which makes sense, but I didn't even know. Now I feel bad for having it as my song because yeah. b. We heard it on the radio when he drove me to the miniature golf place. Now I'll forever equate that song with me pretty much singing it to him as he drives. Weird. Anyway, Happy New Year. I hope yall have a good one. 8:35 a.m. - Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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