mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well fuck me, I cleared it! Want a long rambly entry that you probably won't read more than a few sentences of? Here ya go! I didn't want to update today because you people just don't give me the guestbook love. Don't you know when someone puts pictures up, you're supposed to go and say "Awww! Such pretty pictures!" I mean.. duh. I wanted to boycott, but there's some shit going on and I would really like to talk about it and get it out of my system. I'm sure you understand. Don't mind me.. I'm in a really crabby mood right now. To show you the way I'm feeling about life in general right now, I'll just share you the email exchange I've had with BB today. Subj: Cum on feel the noize! Date: 10/28/2002 3:29:16 PM Central Standard Time From: Me To: BB
Okay, I've been thinking about stuff and here is the email to prove it! Just a disclaimer first: I'm not saying this as a co-dependent little girl, I'm saying all this as someone who has been in a relationship for 5 years who loves and appreciates her entanglement. Okay? Okay. I totally understand you needing some time. The next 2 months will just be more of the same until I graduate and get the hell out of here. I doubt anything will change drastically until then. So you needing some time is cool, because I don't blame you. More of the same doesn't appeal much to me, either. But what about in January? I'm seriously considering going to Las Vegas. I think it will fill a need somehow - a need to go away and see if I have what it takes to make it on my own, without someone holding my hand. A need to see if I'm really missing anything in Vegas. A need to just get the hell away from here for a few months. That sounds good to me, but I don't want to do it if it's going to jeopardize our relationship. I've made a lot of decisions based on our relationship, and I'm not saying this as a guilt trip or whatever, I'm saying it as a fact. I was seriously considering going to Santa Fe for college, but I decided not to because not only did I want to stay in Texas, but I wanted to stay with a certain *BB*. I never seriouisly pursued getting a job in college because I knew it would jeopardize the time I got to spend with you. Again, this is just a fact that I am stating to prove my point here. And what is my point? My point is that I do want to get the hell out of here, but I believe in us. I believe that we have something together that should be able to outlast a few months apart, but I know that you're getting older and you are aching for a family. I don't want to leave for a few months and come back to see you with someone else. I want to someday live in that house that you're going to buy soon. I want the puppy room. I want pictures of us together with our kid in the middle. I want our kids to go to Plano East games with us, and then someday we can go see them as the quarterback or the cheerleader, and we can wear their pin on our hats. And it's not because you've been around so long that I just don't want to get rid of you. It's because I love the qualities that I see in you. I love your intelligence and your common sense and even your work ethic, because you'll do whatever you have to do to get it done. I love how you've made so much out of yourself, and how when you decide to do something, nothing is going to get in the way of it happening. So yeah. I'm wondering what you have to say about this issue. Do you think I should go to Vegas? I'm torn. I want to go and see what it's like, but I also want to stay here with my family and my M Bear and my puppy and see what I can do with what I have over here. I wouldn't stay in Vegas for long, probably not more than 6 months. I dunno. I just wanted to know that I don't want to give up on this relationship just because I have wanderlust. I want to cultivate it, and nurture it, and crap. I know things suck right now, but after I get out in the "real" world and out of this college shiznit, I think things will be a lot better. The only question is, where will I go? Vegas or Dallas? I'm beginning to feel like this email was pointless, but that's okay. I felt like I had to say my peace. Here ya go. Muah. Subj: Re: Cum on feel the noize! Date: 10/28/2002 7:16:35 PM Central Standard Time From: BB To: Me Sent from the Internet (Details)
My email may not be the type of email you want to hear, but it's what I'm going to say anyways. I feel over the past five years, we have grown apart.. more specifically, I've changed my ideology on a lot of different things and you haven't changed too much in line with what a 23 year old should be. I don't feel like I'm dating a 23 year old, I feel like I'm dating a 19 year old I've just known for 5 years. That's not bad, it's just different. I read your email, and I appreciate all you had to say. You have done a lot of very special things for our relationship, and I appreciate them all. If you heard what I said the other day, this has nothing to do with you. i know I just said we've both changed a lot, but I have to figure out who I am -- and because you have done a lot of things for me (like not pursued Santa Fe, or Austin), you have not gotten to evolve as much as you may or should have done. The bottom line? During this time.. you need to do what you truly want to do. Not what you think I would think is best, not what you think I would want, but what you want. If your heart pulls you to Austin, or Vegas, or California, or New Mexico.. go. Evolve the way you should have, instead of you perceiving me holding you back or doing something for me. That's the whole concept of me wanting time apart. To rediscover things. You might come back and I might be engaged to someone else.. I might be depressed and missing you. I might move to wherever you are to be with you. You don't know what you don't know, and I don't know what that change would be. So, from this moment forward, build on what you want to build on.. this is not cryptic or saying anything is over, I'm simply saying, you wanted my best advice.. my best advice detaching myself from the situation is to do what you truly want to do with your life as if I didn't exist. At the end of the day, when you go to sleep, you have to account to yourself.. you may be responsible to me and Charlie and your family, but when it comes to accountability, it's only to yourself. Do what Lizzie needs to do to explore and be happy. We will still talk. We will occasionally even see each other, during our time apart. You know how knee jerk some of my reactions are.. I've changed my mind on majors overnight before, or when the going got tough, I got going. Last night, I sat and realized I had 3 labs to do -- one of them, I didn't even have th stuff to do, and I got a 69 on my first test. I was seriously considering dropping the class. I didn't feel like reading another chapter and taking notes. But I guess I realized that if I get a B, it won't be too bad. Suck it up and do it. Of course, I didn't realize I had FOUR labs to do so I had to do 2 at school today.. but I did it. I got a B on my big midterm paper that was worth 25% of the grade. That makes me wonder if I'm cut out to be a 4.0 student in grad school.. but then I realized everyone got slammed on their grades and it wasn't just me. The point of this I suppose is that this time is to identify ourselves. We might not be compatible. We might be more compatible.. but whatever that compatibility should be should be naturally. I'm not going to do tomorrow what I did yesterday just because it's what I did yesterday anymore. It's time to develop more real schemas of personality for me anyways.. So, yes.. look in Austin, look in Vegas.. life is a marathon, not just a race. If we walk a mile instead of run a few miles or so.. it doesn't mean the marathon is over. I don't like ruling anything in or out.. And neither should you. What I'm worried about is you focusing on the negative of us not seeing each other as much and letting it cloud the millions of positives. And finding ourselves is one of the biggest positives you can have. Love you! ***** I just don't know how to feel right now. I suppose I should feel excited about embarking on a new journey, but I don't. I want my life the way it's been for 4 years - a comfortable bliss. But I don't want it to be that way! I'm ready to bust out of here and really experience life in general. I just really don't know what to do. Sitting here all night crying about it and feeling sorry for myself is not going to work out, probably. I had dinner with Crazy Friend tonight and she basically said I owed it to myself to go out on my own for a while. I know I do.. I have to experience life without someone there to hold my hand. I should have done that in college, but I chose to go to a school 20 minutes away from where I grew up, and then when I transferred, a school 45 minutes away. That's the furthest I've been from home, and that's not cool. I have to get out of here. I have to make it on my own. Obviously BB supports this, but like I told him.. I don't want to find myself if it means losing him. But I can't just sit around here and wait for him to decide that he wants to get married, and then get married knowing that I never fulfilled what I really wanted out of life. Maybe I'll take this opportunity to pursue something with Angel Boy. I've been dreaming about the boy since I was 15 years old, and maybe now is the time to take advantage of that. Maybe I'm crazy to think that he would even want that, but maybe not. We'll see if he calls me some time soon. I have a feeling that he will at some point soon.. because I need him. And he only seems to call when I need him. I have to get out. Dallas isn't exactly bumfuck Arkansas, so I can probably find something decent in the area, but I think it would be a good idea to find out what's going on. In Las Vegas, I can be really close to California! I could take weekend trips to LA. I could finally learn how to gamble properly. I could cruise the strip and learn more about Vegas so I can be a good tour guide when I visit with my friends at some other point. I could get an apartment, get a nice intern job, maybe be a blackjack dealer on the side or something. I don't know much about living in Las Vegas, and hell, I've only been in Las Vegas for like less than a week, but there's something about it that I would like to explore. Anyway. There's a lot going on right now and decision time is coming soon. I'll probably apply for lots of internships everywhere, and we'll see what happens. I should be looking at it as the most exciting time in my life, but that's just kinda hard right now. 8:14 p.m. - October 28, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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