mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A nice little conversation that makes no sense. Does this conversation make sense to anybody else? Because it doesn't to me. Me: Hey yo. BB: Hey yo. Me: I'm going through a little "woe is me" today and I would like to ask you a question. BB: Oh, great. :-) Me: I would just like to know if you've completely given up on us. Me: If I should just go get my stuff sometime next week. Me: And stuff. Me: Because this whole "I might see you, but then again I might not" is gonna drive me crazy. Me: Even last night, you couldn't give 3 shits that I was there. BB: I was pissed off last night. BB: That was bad coincidence. BB: I hate getting there late. BB: And then *the FGG's* shit eating grin as he's chowing down on food. Me: I waited for you! BB: Just not in a good mood last night. BB: If you define "given up on us" meaning I'm sticking to my guns and probably not going to see you very much, then yes.. BB: If you define "given up on us" as I see no possible way we'll ever see each other again in a relationship role, then the answer is no. Me: Ehhhh. BB: So how would you like to define it? Me: At this particular point in my life, I think you are saying such things because you want me around for the convienence. Me: Like, you get tired of masturbating, so tell Lizzie you love her and she'll come over and make you feel better. BB: Nah.. it's not the sexuality that drives me. Me: But maybe that's just because I'm having a bad day and I didn't sleep very well and my best friend doesn't like me much anymore. BB: I am simply keeping all my options open. BB: Not ruling anything in or out. BB: That's my platform from day one. BB: You really don't have all that much stuff here. BB: I'm not sure what you'd have to pick up. Me: I know. It just sounded more dramatic that way. BB: Well, good.. I appreciate drama. BB: I just want to tell you something. BB: So maybe you'll.. I dunno, be more excited about it holistically. BB: Let's say, hypothetically.. BB: You do go to Austin. BB: And hypothetically, I get my shit together and you get my shit together. Me: I am going to Austin. BB: Us seeing each other on the weekends is just 3 hours more of a round trip.. so it's not THAT big a deal.. BB: I have no problem driving to Austin to see an Ellebear every other weekend. BB: Especially an Ellebear that has her shit together. Me: Well I don't know if it'll be that often :-) Me: If I wanna get my shit together seeing you twice a month may not help too much. Me: But yeah. Me: True that. BB: Well, I think this is going to give you a swift kick in the ass and you'll get your shit together a lot quicker .. especially when you have less woe is me days. BB: You're a hot chick who has friends already.. shouldn't be too hard for you. Me: I guess I just don't get it at this point. Me: But I will eventually. Me: I just want 2 months to fuckin hurry. BB: Everything I've done in my decision making process has kept you in mind for the maximum possible comfort in doing this.. that's not to say I've planned this for months and years ahead and nhow was just a good time. BB: But really.. if there was going to be a good time for you, this is it. BB: You can lose yourself in studying quite possibly for your last time ever. BB: You have GnR to look forward to.. BB: Graduation.. BB: Thanksgiving. BB: Christmas. BB: And it's not like I'm not going to talk to you. BB: Or see pictures of the puppies! Me: Puppies. BB: Last year, I wasnt' with you for Thanksgiving OR Christmas so I don't even wanna hear "Well, you won't be there!" Me: Right, right. BB: It may not seem like I've got your back, but I do. Me: I just don't know whether to mourn or what. Me: I don't know what the hell is going on. BB: What good would mourning do? BB: What you need to do is graduate. BB: Cuz honestly.. BB: If you would have failed any of your classes. BB: I probably would have not nicely and legitimately dumped you. BB: As you would have proven my point. BB: You'd rather be lazy than do the work to get shit done.. BB: Prove me wrong! Me: True that. Me: I just got 2 100's on quizzes. Me: And stuff. BB: Awesome. :-) Me: I am not happy today, yo. BB: Then go do something productive. BB: I'm about to go walk my mile. BB: And shower. BB: Not the most productive things. Me: And neither is the person who's car I bumped into while I was parallel parking. BB: But, somethin'.. heh. Me: I'm probably gonna sleep. Me: That's productive, right? Me: Right. BB: Ehh.. I suppose. Me: You are confusing, yo. Me: I mean, seriously. Me: I still have no idea what to think even after this conversation. Me: It's really annoying. BB: The problem is.. you're reading what you want into things. BB: I've told you the bottom line. BB: Very clearly. BB: You just don't want to read into it. BB: You keep thinking. BB: This has something to do with you. BB: And you can change or fix it or something. BB: And it doesn't. BB: And maybe when you realize it has nothing to do with you. Me: Obviously it does have something to do with me! BB: Maybe you'll get over it. BB: Nah.. BB: I'm simply keeping you in mind and giving you advice on what you can do as your best friend while I'm doing it. Me: If I had been different in some kind of way, if I filled a need that you've always had, maybe it would be different. BB: Nope. BB: It's not your fault. Me: Guhh. BB: If you want me to quit giving you advice and just talking to you and quit saying things that might lead you to believe it is your fault, I can. BB: But, it's not. Me: I just don't believe that. Me: Maybe I will eventually. BB: Well, here's me being a right asshole for you. BB: If you value our relationship. BB: And if you ever did. BB: You would trust me. BB: And if you don't trust me.. what does that say about the relationship? BB: Pretty weak if you can't trust me! BB: Either way, you win. Me: I guess. BB: I mean, if you have to keep saying.. BB: "But I don't believe that." BB: You're calling me a liar. BB: And that's not very nice. Me: It's not. BB: And secondly.. how am I supposed to get better if I have to babysit you trying to convince you of something? BB: This has nothing to do with you. BB: Period. BB: You have been a wonderful best friend and a wonderful girlfriend in your time.. this is me reidentifying me and doing the things I have to do to ultimately be happy for the rest of my life. BB: Your brother has done it, your father has done it multiple times.. Me: I want the M Bear to be happy. BB: Most people need to do it. Me: I'm gonna go to sleep now. Me: Enjoy your walk. BB: Okay. 1:49 p.m. - October 31, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||