mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm just a big fraidy cat! Well, it's now official. Before yesterday, moving to Austin was really just something I thought about doing when I was in the shower one day. But yesterday I put a $200 deposit on an apartment and I'm good to go on January 2nd. But I'm soooo scared, you guys. I'm scared that I'm never going to find a job, first of all. I have no references, almost no past work history to speak of.. 2 of the places I've worked at before have now gone out of business, plus I left Express on bad terms and am now blackballed from the whole Limited Inc. fashion community, etc. There's a lot of marks against me, and that scares me. I have enough money right now to live for like.. 3 or 4 months. But then what if I don't get a good job and I have to leave my apartment early and I'm really freaking out about that. The other thing I'm worried about is of course the whole BB situation. I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't talked to him since Saturday, which is definitely making progress. I don't even think I should go see him before he leaves for Vegas.. I don't think I can handle it yet. But the other thing is.. what happens when he inevitably finds someone else? I'm sure I'll find out about it eventually. Maybe he even has somebody now. What am I going to do that day? When I find out that he's totally and completely moved on, what am I going to do? I am so scared. I don't want him to move on.. I want to know that I have a place with him somewhere in the future. And seriously.. while he might not have been the total greatest boyfriend ever, I know that if I married him, we'd have an okay future. He's good with kids, he's a bright man, and I'm sure he would support us until the day he died. Now I have to go out there and find someone else like that. I have to swallow my pride, admit that after 5 years I have to get back on the bike and ride again. While there is a certain excitement about having a new boyfriend, sharing new kisses and looks and conversations and lives, I don't want that. It's not what I signed up for. I signed up for BB when I was 17, and damnit, that's what I want. I know, I know. It'll get better as time goes by. But I really don't feel myself getting better. It's been almost 2 months and I think I might actually be getting worse now that I've had so much time to think about it. Another thing I'm worried about is just moving to a new place. Austin has the most horrible traffic than any other city I've been to. It's bad. Real bad. And I think people might be a little more rude than in Dallas. Apparently I pissed someone off yesterday with my parking spot, because they lifted my windshield wipers off the car and messed with my rearview mirrors! What the fuck is up with that? Nobody ever did that to me in Denton or Dallas. That's just crap. Fuckers. I'm so scared. I feel so socially inept.. like I can't do anything on my own. My brother called and got all my utilities turned on and got me good deals on everything. He acted like a total asshole when we got my apartment yesterday, and I'm just wondering, am I going to have to turn into a complete and total bitch just to not get screwed? I've lived in a shell for 4 1/2 years. Everything was essientially handed to me, I admit it. And now I'm terrified. BB isn't going to be there for me anymore. He was my best friend, and now he's left me to figure everything out by myself. I mean, sure.. it's time for that, I agree. But if he just could have stayed, I wouldn't have had to figure it all out on my own. I'm so scared. I'm terrified that I'm never going to find a job that I'm good at and that I'll make enough money to be comfortable with. I'm scared that I'll never find anyone that will compare to BB. I'm scared that I'm just too socially retarded to function. And like.. when we talked on Saturday night, he made a good point. He was all like, "Have I ever taken a class in how to break up with people after 5 years?" Neither of us have been through this before. We don't know how to act. We don't know what to do with each other anymore. I'm sure if I did go over there, we would just be playing it by ear and if we mess up, that's just what happens. We don't have a script. We're not in a play. I just don't know how to handle myself anymore. My life is about to be 100 % different. I know it'll be good, but shit. I'm scared, damnit. Guhhhhh. In other news, I have to go take my brother's dog to the lake now. He's a sweetiepie. Buh. ****** What was MyMichele doing a year ago?So now she has all this confidence and friends and success and apparently, lots of sex. Yes, that's right, my little shy friend from junior high, who never had a boyfriend the whole time I knew her, is having lots of sex. She couldn't believe me when I told her BB is a virgin. She acted like it was bad. I told my mom that, and she said, "Well, you should have someone to have sex with." And I'm like.. hello? My mom is telling me to go have sex with somebody? What happened to morals actually being a good thing? My good god." ***** 3:45 p.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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