mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Way pt. 2, and other psycho type things Happy 4th, yo. Although I don't see how happy it is because of all these terrorism warnings we're getting. They say, "Don't worry, go have fun and let the law enforcement worry about it." Oh yeah, that sounds like a plan, Stan. Anyway.. five years ago today, something very bad ended. My relationship with a very psycho person was cut short after my mom got so pissed off and fed up with how he was always calling me and controlling me and all this other crap, she said, "Don't answer the phone, go to Austin, stay there." So I didn't answer the phone, I got on the plane to Austin with my brother, and away we went. And the rest is history. It was five years ago. That seems like such a long time, but if it was such a long time ago, why does it still affect me? Why do I still have daydreams about kicking him in the nuts? Why do I have daydreams about going back in time and telling myself that this was a really stupid thing to participate in. I don't think I've been able to overcome this.. he destroyed my self esteem and anything else that I had going for me, and while I've put most of the puzzle back together, there's still a few pieces missing. Probably the pieces that make me feel so worthless at times. Of course I could just suck it up and not blame my worthlessness on him. I mean, I did let him do this to me, and I should have known not to get involved with him in the first place. But he was not a good person. There was something inside of him that made him evil-like. Not evil like the dude in Rose Madder, let's not be silly, but evil nonetheless. I don't know. I have issues. But today is a good day, when you think about it. It's so cliche that today really is my independence day, but what can ya do! Here's my entry from last year on this subject, I think it says it better than I did today. ***** So I said I'd tell you the story of the psycho ex. It's kinda embarrasing first of all, because he was actually 2 years younger than me. I met him online, and blah blah blah.. the first date we had, we'd already been going out for 2 weeks. I don't recommend actually going out with someone before you know what they look like. But hey, you live and you learn. We started going out on Thanksgiving. We did nasty stuff on the first date in the backseat of my mom's car, while she was driving. Our song was "Number 1 crush" by Garbage. All these things should have been signs. We eventually lost our virginity to each other. I had my first orgasm, via oral sex, in a movie theater during the People Vs. Larry Flynt. After we started having sex, our relationship got more and more abusive. It was mostly verbal, but he'd be violent occasionaly. He threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him. I had a job, working for my dad, and he accused me of actually going to have sex with different people when I said I was going to work. If I talked to anybody of the male persuasion, he'd accuse me of having sex with them. It was totally ridiculous, but I couldn't get out. He said he had taped us having sex and would actually send it to my dad. All these things really make me angry, even now. I don't know if it makes me angry because he did it or because I let him do it. Anyway, he tore me away from my best friend, who still isn't speaking to me 4 years later, and made my parents not trust me. They eventually understood that it wasn't me who was doing it, it was his influence. My mom finally had enough of it on July 4th. She sent me to Austin with my brother for a week, and that was basically the end. I saw him a few times after that, but it was over. He called me a slut after I had another relationship, but he had another girlfriend who I knew was taking the same shit I had. So I call July 4th my little independence day. I even made up a little thing about the colors of the fireworks: White was the innocense I had right before I met him. Red was the blood I shed after I lost my virginity to him. Blue were the bruises I had that made me want to get away. I know, it's corny, but it helped me get over stuff. You never know how you'll react in a situation until it actually happens to you. I used to hate LImp Biskit, but I really love the song "My Way" "Just one more fight about your leadership, and I will straight up leave your shit, because I've had enough of this, and now I'm pissed... this time I'm gonna let it all out, this time I'm gonna stand up and shout, it's my way, it's my way or the highway!" Woohoo, good clean fun. 10:23 a.m. - July 04, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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