mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lot of venting and a little possession. Like I said, I love those Literotica people.. today I had a grand total of 629 hits. That is the most I've ever had. I'm telling you, folks, if you want more hits, write more porn! I said I would write later cuz I had stuff to vent about, so here I am. But, *gasp*, I already vented for the most part in my paper journal because I kinda got kicked out of BB's house for a few hours (long story, happy ending) and I went to see Possession (such a great movie.. it was such a brilliant love story and I didn't even hate Gwyneth.. go see this movie if you know what's good for you) and then went to Barnes and Noble. Folks, I wrote 11 pages of venting in my paper journal. I was going to put all that stuff in here, but I'll just give you a big taste of it. Pretty much exactly what I said a year ago applied to yesterday. My dorm had a pool party and it depressed me. All I did was go up to my room and torture myself by watching Vanilla Sky instead of socializing with actual human people. I left at 11:30 last night and came to BB's house just because I didn't want to stay there any longer. It's "we're college students and none of us know anyone so lets get together for random situations so we can make life long friends out of each other" week, and I learned a long time ago that that stuff isn't for me. I'm too antisocial for that. And I just don't make friends that way, and I feel like a freak, because aren't you supposed to be like that in college? I'm just not. Guh. Here's another problem I've had for a while: I just can't relate to most people in college anymore. I feel like I'm the exception in all situations. Lame, I know. But take for example my dorm - when I get a roommate I will feel like she's invading my personal space, the space I've cultivated over the years, and I'll feel like she doesn't belong there, and I'll feel like we're there for two different reasons, and I'll feel like I'm better than her because I have more places to stay than just some stupid dorm room. That doesn't really explain it well, and it makes me feel like an ass. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere. Like when Crazy Friend called me yesterday and wanted me to come to some music thing tonight, and I said I probably couldn't. She said something like, "Come on, you can always see BB!" And that really made me mad! First of all, I can't always see him. Especially when school starts on Monday, I'll hardly ever see him except for Friday and Saturday. And that sucks. And I just felt like she didn't understand. We will always be different because I have a boyfriend, I like to spend time with my boyfriend, I like to cultivate my relationship with my boyfriend, and sometimes that interferes with making friends. I'm explaining that wrong again and I've probably lost all of you by now anyway. But here's something I wrote in my paper diary cuz it explains the situation well: (and really, I basically did the exact same thing that I did in this entry, so you would think I would have learned, but apparently not.) So, regrets. I have a few, as they say. Tonight, I just had to torture myself a little more, I went by SMU and it depressed me so much. Four years ago, almost exactly, I was on that same campus. I had 4 years of college to look forward to, four years of college in which I could have made something for myself. I promised myself that I would be known at SMU. People would like me! I would be popular and win people over and have fabulous grades! That didn't happen. Maybe it was BB's amorous activities, maybe it was the fact that I got stuck with a crappy roommate my first semester (I can picture her and her friend sipping some wine coolers right now and giggling about the weird roommate she had her freshman year). I just don't know what happened. I didn't work out at SMU. I retreated to my dorm room with my vibrator, ordered some pizza and played Jeopardy and watched the Young and the Restless while I waited for the weekend to come so I could go to BB, who was just being an asshole that whole year. SMU just wasn't for me. Why can't I let it go? So, I messed up at SMU. I didn't accomplish what I set out to. I didn't make friends, I didn't get good grades. At least I did some of those things at UNT. At least people know me there. I know when I go back on Monday, I'll have classes with my old newspaper people and we'll have good times again. I think this is enough bitching. I felt really bad about life in general tonight, but I checked my voice mail and listened happily to a message from Crazy Friend. I almost cried after I heard her message because I was so happy that someone cared, that if I left this school and never came back people would care and come find me if they needed to. And at the end of her message she said someone asked about me and what I was doing, and I know it was probably just Diet Friend, but that still gives me hope. I'm not ready to give up on this friends thing. Another thing - While I was at Barnes and Noble, while I was venting, I thought for a moment about who I really wanted to be hanging out with at that moment. Was it BB? Nope, because he was kinda being an ass at the moment and we don't have anything interesting to do tonight. Was it Angel Boy? Nope, not even Angel Boy. Cuz while I would love to see him again and uhh.. other things, really the only people I wanted to hang out with tonight was Diet Friend and Crazy Friend. And that's good. I have friends, and I want to hang out with my friends, and I'm not as antisocial as I thought. Yeah, I know, this was long. I'll shut up now. Go see Possession. 12:17 a.m. - August 23, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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