mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The one where you ask yourself \"is she ever going to shut the fuck up?\" Did you ever notice that I seem to say "fuck" more often when I'm angry? Well, you're about to. I just don't get this. I was fine. For the past couple of days, I've just been like "fuck it, I'm leaving soon, I can wait this out, no problem." But then I ask BB if we were going to hang out sometime soon, and he's all fucking like "I don't know, I'll let you know." I'm tired of this fucking "I'll let you know" BULLSHIT. What does fucking 5 years buy you in this town anyway? I fucking understand that he wants his fucking time off, that's fucking wonderful. You KNOW what fucking 5 FUCKING YEARS buys you in this town? A fucking month off, that's what it buys you. I was so fed up with his FUCKING BULLSHIT that I finally just said, "Why don't we just not see or talk to each other for a month?" And he was like, "Okay." That's all he said. He fucking said "Okay." Like HE DIDN"T EVEN FUCKING CARE. He didn't say "No no, we can figure this out, maybe I'll see you one day a week or something." He didn't say, "Fuck it all, I love you, don't go to Austin." He just fucking said OKAY! What the fuck is wrong with me? What the hell happened to bring this relationship to this fucking point? I don't know if any of you can truly comprehend what I am feeling right now. I want to fucking beat him up and spout obscenities at him and just ask "WHAT THE FUCK?! I THOUGHT YOU FUCKING LOVED ME!" How can he love me? How can he honestly say that he loves me when he agrees to not see or talk to me for a month? Am I being too selfish about this? Talking to him, he makes it seem like he's a fucking martyr and I'm a horrible person because I don't respect the fact that he's getting his shit together. Maybe someday I'll understand that it's not all about me, but probably not. I just don't get the fact that he can't get through his issues if I'm there with him. Shouldn't couples be able to do that? If we were strong enough, shouldn't we have been able to get through this together? SHouldn't we have gotten together and said, "This is what we need to do, we can do it together, and we can come out of it together.." ? I just don't understand. And it hurts. I mean.. oh my fucking God does it fucking hurt right now.. As Axl says, I'll feel better tomorrow come the morning light and all the crap, but I don't feel better right now. He stopped talking to me. Just pretty much in mid-thought. And I don't know what the hell to do. If this was a guy that I was just with for like 3 months, I'd be like "what a prick! Geez!" But this is a guy that I've been with since I was 17 years old. A guy that I've had many discussions about marriage and children with. A guy who has met every single person in my family, he was even there with me when my mom got married. And now it's reduced to a conversation that basically ends with him saying "See why I don't talk to you? You'd just beat me down everyday." I want to go to Austin and find a nice guy with long hair and a puppy dog. Maybe he can be in a band. Right now, thoughts about meeting a new guy is way to scary to bear. Who's going to fucking want me? With my weird freak of nature problems, like polycystic ovaries and shiznit, why would someone want to involve themselves in that? I thought me and BB were good together. We still get it on everytime we see each other, at least once, and that still goes how it should. We giggle together. We have fun together. And now he's so depressed that he doesn't even talk to me and he sleeps 13 hours a day. My brother told me, when I was going through that whole "my boyfriend is an asshole"soap opera in December, that I needed to have my heart broken. It happens to everyone, and I can't grow up until it happens. Well, I think it's happening now. God, I can't wait to leave this place. Get me out of here! Here's the last part of the conversation we had... it's a little more reassuring. BB: I'm sleeping 12-13 hours a day these days. BB: Because I'm so depressed. BB: You beating me down isn't helping. Me: I'm taking my share of naps, too. BB: You don't see me beating you down.. I'd appreciate it if you could reciprocate. Me: I jsut want to talk to you.. I'm used to coming home and telling you about my day.. whenever anything happens to me I always think about telling you first.. BB: Hey, I feel the same way.. Me: and you just don't care right now and that's really hard for me to deal with... BB: I do care, I'm just trying to work on my issues first. BB: If that's being selfish, so be it. Me: I know.. and I should respect that kinda.. but it's still hard.. Me: er - should BB: And you wonder why I don't initiate conversations with you? Me: Yes, I do wonder! BB: Why would I want to get this beating? BB: Every single day? Me: You had to get it at some point, at least you're getting it over with now. (about 10 minutes later) Me: I'm gonna go to bed.. I don't wanna say that I don't wanna talk to you for a month. BB: Okay, then don't say it. Me: cuz there's probably shit we should talk about every once in a while or something. BB: But sleep well.. I do love you and care about you greatly and if you don't know that, I don't know what you can say you do know. Me: I don't know, either. Me: Perhaps someday I'll figure out that it's not all about me. Me: But right now I just can't understand why we can't do this together. BB: Maybe we can.. I'm growing more and more lost the more I don't have you.. Me: buh.. Me: I'm gonna go to bed now.. love you.. Me: go make friends and stuff. BB: I'm trying.. love you. 11:15 p.m. - November 05, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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