mymichele's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thoughts on things and stuff. Whooo boy! I just took my statistics test. It was.. scary. I hope my bullshitting skills were up to par today. If not, I hope my teacher is vulnerable to me getting on my knees and begging him to let me pass the class. Also, blow jobs are not out of the question. If I didn't know any better, I would think that I was a salty freshman instead of a crunchy senior about to graduate (WOOO! DECEMBER 14TH IN THE HIZHOUSE!), but that's okay. You live and you learn. And such. ***** So last night, BB messaged me because I had this away message on, and I never have away messages, so he wanted to see what it said, right? It said something to the effect of "I'm probably under the covers crying. Leave a message." Something pathetic like that. So it worries him and he messages me. I find this message when I wake up to go take a piss in the middle of the night, and then we have a nice little chat for about an hour. It really was a nice chat, I'm not being sarcastic. He told me how miserable he was, and how he's worried about how badly I seem to be taking this (which I will comment on at a later point in this entry. Can I get a what what?). He promised me one "non sexual" encounter before I go to Austin. Damnit! I'm tired of wacking off! What's with this non-sexual stuff? He said it would be so easy to run to me, but he really wants to see what it's like without me as a safety net. And I understand that, but it's still hard and crappola like that. Anyway.. I want to see him soon. I miss his big burly man hugs. But he said I gotta get my shit together and not be capable of bursting into tears at a moment's notice if I want to have said encounter. Which is fair. So I feel a lot better today. The conversation made me sad last night, but at least he wasn't yelling at me. At least he wasn't saying that he's giving up on us forever, he's just giving us room to grow, which I'm completely thankful for. I really appreciate the opportunity to be able to get away to Austin for at least 6 months. We need this time. And if we discover that we still want each other in our lives at some point, hey, that's good times. We'll just have to play that by ear, I guess. So no more "Woe is me" shiznit. I miss the living shit out of the guy, but that's what happens when you get used to a pattern, a way of going about your business, that isn't healthy. Healthy=good. Yay. ***** What's with all these people concerned about me being "too miserable" or what not? Several people seem to think I'm capable of actually killing myself, which I'll just go on record as saying that's completely absurd. First of all, that's just not something I do. Second, I have awesome GUNS N ROSES TICKETS! Why would I kill myself before being in section 14 of a GN'R concert? Duh. Also, I'd kinda like to graduate before I die. That would make me happy. Etc. Etc. But it seems like people don't really want to give you time to be depressed anymore. I thought I was joking with my friends yesterday about having anger issues, and when the chick wrote me that note expressing concern, I appreciated it. But come on! Can't someone be allowed to be angry and upset after the demise of a 5 year relationship? I knew she probably wouldn't understand.. she's only 21 and married already, for fuck's sake. But I mean... now that I'm 23 should I just pretend like everything is okay when I'm with other people and keep my sadness to myself? Is that what is expected of me? Because that's just not who I am. If I'm feeling a certain way, people are going to know about it. I'm not good at hiding these things. Well, anyway. I'm happy right now. Because after my Earth Science class here in a few minutes, no more school until Monday! And Monday is the start of dead week, and then finals, and then graduation, and then.. SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER! SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER! Yeeyuh. And you know.. I haven't lost BB forever. He's always going to be there. Maybe not in the capacity I want him to be in, but he'll still be there. That's something to be happy about. I think. ***** A year ago today I had help from the lovely Sara. Aren't you excited, Sara? It's our one year anniversary! "I am a big fan of my dad's new girlfriend. Not only does she have a house located about 5 minutes from my old high school and a few minutes from a couple of my old friends, but she's just really nice! She's british and has a really neato accent. I can totally see him marrying her and her being my wicked british stepmother. But then he'd have a two year old kid to take care of, and he's like.. old. So maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. But she gave me warm towels to put on my stomach to help my cramps! Awww!" 3:04 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 26, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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